Sometimes, a relationship is the last bloody thing on earth I want. Other days, it's all I think about and crave.
This week it has been the latter and I've learned that this is probably where people go wrong during a FWB. Never get yourself into an arrangement like that if you know you feel that often. It will never work out and you'll only get hurt. For me I don't feel this often so luckily I can identify it and distance myself for everyones benefit.
I write this blog because I like to go into depth about what I'm thinking and feeling but in this instance I don't want to think about it too much in case I really am getting a tad too invested. That would scare me a little too much right now.
So bub-bye for now peeps<3
Monday, 18 June 2018
Monday, 14 May 2018
True reflection...
It's been a while since I've done this so you'll have to excuse my bad grammar or spelling or just general broken sentences/thoughts. University has almost lead to a sort of PTSD to writing on my laptop so bringing myself to do this has been a challenge for a while. So as I've already kind of insinuated there, university has so far been one of the hardest forms of personal growth and realisation that I've ever had to go through and what has persuaded me to actually write this is the fact that today marked the start of mental health awareness week. So here we go...
I believe I've been suffering with anxiety since I moved up to secondary school, which is understandable for the most part because you're a little 11 year old going up to a big strange place you've never been too before - of course you're going to be a little anxious. But mine was made a little worse by the fact that I was one of only 3 people from my primary school to go up to this secondary school (which in hindsight was only a good thing for me considering a lot of my anxiety is rooted from primary school) and the fact that I had always been an introverted kid anyway. Even back in nursery, in which me and my teddy - which I still have to this day! - would play together alone, because that's how we liked it. Anyway, I didn't know that my constant sweaty palms, laboured breath, self-depricating thoughts, lack of concentration, nervous compulsive scratching habits were anything associated with anxiety. To me they were normal, but through what I now recognise as mentally abusive "friendships" I actually learned that what I was feeling wasn't necessarily normal and that it could be changed, so I guess even though those toxic people sucked they did start the ball rolling with finding help.
They were a double-edged sword though. The same people who made me realise it was anxiety, were the same people that made it all worse. By the time I wanted to go get actual professional help one of the girls that caused me all the anxiety was in too close a proximity to where I could find help. It sounds stupid now, but I couldn't even look at her without feeling sick to my stomach with nerves and fear. And so I tried the self-help route. I was already fairly well-versed in the world of mental health because of friends that had suffered with anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar etc...and so especially when it came to panic attacks I was very good at knowing when they were coming and how to manage them safely. When it came to depressive or general panicky thoughts was where there was a hole in my knowledge. I could help my friends and give them comforting words and advice and just a hand to hold that seemed to help them but at this point in my life I was so panicky and trapped in my own head that I had isolated myself from almost everyone close to me. I dread to think what my fellow college-goers thought of that Emily but what does that matter now eh? So as college progressed, education got a lot harder for me to understand, friendships became less meaningful to me, panic attacks were rolling into my chest almost everyday and more importantly I never had many happy days. One of my biggest regrets (I know I shouldn't regret but I am kicking past Emily for being so oblivious with this) was attaching my little ounce of happiness I gained to this crush I had. My world revolved around that person and oh my god did I learn my lesson to stop doing that after our friendship was forgotten after he got a girlfriend. It was then my current ethos of 'friendships are always temporary' began.
I decided during this time that I couldn't really rely on anyone including myself for happiness or stability and so initiated one of the loneliest periods of my life. I guess this was also the start of the first big depressive episodes. The problem with hindsight for me now on this period of my life, is that I genuinely cannot pinpoint a happy time I had in my two years at college. I know there are some somewhere but I can't remember because they're shrowded in sadness and panic. I can tell you that I had to face people who made me feel like scum in primary school everyday, I was massively insecure about my appearance now that I could wear my own clothes and makeup, I had to walk past the girl who isolated me from the world and made me believe that all my friends actually hated me and in turn made me hate them for no reason, I had to watch the guy I was too scared to tell that I liked fall for another girl, I got told I was never going to get the grades I needed to be a vet and that I should reconsider my life choices and in turn crushed my academic confidence into the dirt which resulted in the worst exams of my life, so if I'm supposed to look at that experience positively I politely ask that you accept that there are some periods in life that sometimes we just need to accept were a badly dealt hand meant to teach us some bloody big life lessons.
So after the two worst years of my life so far, I was now about to move to one of the most well known cities on earth, London, to do a degree I never wanted to do and never knew existed until 6 months prior to starting the course. We are not off to a good start to this period of my life. BUT despite this, I was actually going to university with a healthy mindet that I was going to finally push myself out of my comfort zone, make friends, have new experiences and make the most of a shit past. Come on Em, everyone struggles time to make a new impression and finally become the person you want to be. Extroverted, funny, calm and collected and happy.
*spoiler alert* I was nowhere near happy. *spoiler alert*
However, I can pinpoint happy things from this experience. As I draw close to graduation now, I've gone through a lot of personal growth. I have made new friends, however I have lost more friends than I've gained. I got screwed over by another emotionally abusive "friendship" which I could identify before things got really bad luckily. I thought I had gained a 'soulmate' in the form of a best friend but again that got lost to a relationship he managed to find himself in. But just at the right time someone from my past came back - someone I least expected. He knows I'm glad he did, it felt like for the first time in my life it was good timing. He came along at a point where I felt the most alone. I mean I could sing that kids praises all day long but thats not what this is about. This brings me to one of the biggest parts of this journey...I started CBT not long after our friendship started and I think the combination of having a friend I feel like I can truly always turn to when in need and a professional providing an understanding of my mental vicious cycles, I feel like I'm making actual progress.
I still don't believe friendships are permanent. People come and go and I have yet to experience anything different. My point is, that I have a lot of work to do on my mental health and I saw a woman on twitter say what I've always said in person. Mental health awareness week is all well and good but awareness should be 24/7 and should be offline as well as online. We all have a mental health that falters every now and then and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. Always ask for help people. Please. Or help others if you notice something doesn't seem quite right, you never know it might save a life...A simple friendly conversation can make a world of difference amidst what feels like a lifetime of hopeless loneliness. And who knows that friendly conversation could become a close friendship and maybe if you're lucky they'll stay but who knows? Right now I'm in a bit of a weird patch. My anxiety is okay but my depression is bad. But we take each day as it comes. I can't keep dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. I need to stay in the now. But I'll let you know how that goes.
Bub-bye peeps<3
I believe I've been suffering with anxiety since I moved up to secondary school, which is understandable for the most part because you're a little 11 year old going up to a big strange place you've never been too before - of course you're going to be a little anxious. But mine was made a little worse by the fact that I was one of only 3 people from my primary school to go up to this secondary school (which in hindsight was only a good thing for me considering a lot of my anxiety is rooted from primary school) and the fact that I had always been an introverted kid anyway. Even back in nursery, in which me and my teddy - which I still have to this day! - would play together alone, because that's how we liked it. Anyway, I didn't know that my constant sweaty palms, laboured breath, self-depricating thoughts, lack of concentration, nervous compulsive scratching habits were anything associated with anxiety. To me they were normal, but through what I now recognise as mentally abusive "friendships" I actually learned that what I was feeling wasn't necessarily normal and that it could be changed, so I guess even though those toxic people sucked they did start the ball rolling with finding help.
They were a double-edged sword though. The same people who made me realise it was anxiety, were the same people that made it all worse. By the time I wanted to go get actual professional help one of the girls that caused me all the anxiety was in too close a proximity to where I could find help. It sounds stupid now, but I couldn't even look at her without feeling sick to my stomach with nerves and fear. And so I tried the self-help route. I was already fairly well-versed in the world of mental health because of friends that had suffered with anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar etc...and so especially when it came to panic attacks I was very good at knowing when they were coming and how to manage them safely. When it came to depressive or general panicky thoughts was where there was a hole in my knowledge. I could help my friends and give them comforting words and advice and just a hand to hold that seemed to help them but at this point in my life I was so panicky and trapped in my own head that I had isolated myself from almost everyone close to me. I dread to think what my fellow college-goers thought of that Emily but what does that matter now eh? So as college progressed, education got a lot harder for me to understand, friendships became less meaningful to me, panic attacks were rolling into my chest almost everyday and more importantly I never had many happy days. One of my biggest regrets (I know I shouldn't regret but I am kicking past Emily for being so oblivious with this) was attaching my little ounce of happiness I gained to this crush I had. My world revolved around that person and oh my god did I learn my lesson to stop doing that after our friendship was forgotten after he got a girlfriend. It was then my current ethos of 'friendships are always temporary' began.
I decided during this time that I couldn't really rely on anyone including myself for happiness or stability and so initiated one of the loneliest periods of my life. I guess this was also the start of the first big depressive episodes. The problem with hindsight for me now on this period of my life, is that I genuinely cannot pinpoint a happy time I had in my two years at college. I know there are some somewhere but I can't remember because they're shrowded in sadness and panic. I can tell you that I had to face people who made me feel like scum in primary school everyday, I was massively insecure about my appearance now that I could wear my own clothes and makeup, I had to walk past the girl who isolated me from the world and made me believe that all my friends actually hated me and in turn made me hate them for no reason, I had to watch the guy I was too scared to tell that I liked fall for another girl, I got told I was never going to get the grades I needed to be a vet and that I should reconsider my life choices and in turn crushed my academic confidence into the dirt which resulted in the worst exams of my life, so if I'm supposed to look at that experience positively I politely ask that you accept that there are some periods in life that sometimes we just need to accept were a badly dealt hand meant to teach us some bloody big life lessons.
So after the two worst years of my life so far, I was now about to move to one of the most well known cities on earth, London, to do a degree I never wanted to do and never knew existed until 6 months prior to starting the course. We are not off to a good start to this period of my life. BUT despite this, I was actually going to university with a healthy mindet that I was going to finally push myself out of my comfort zone, make friends, have new experiences and make the most of a shit past. Come on Em, everyone struggles time to make a new impression and finally become the person you want to be. Extroverted, funny, calm and collected and happy.
*spoiler alert* I was nowhere near happy. *spoiler alert*
However, I can pinpoint happy things from this experience. As I draw close to graduation now, I've gone through a lot of personal growth. I have made new friends, however I have lost more friends than I've gained. I got screwed over by another emotionally abusive "friendship" which I could identify before things got really bad luckily. I thought I had gained a 'soulmate' in the form of a best friend but again that got lost to a relationship he managed to find himself in. But just at the right time someone from my past came back - someone I least expected. He knows I'm glad he did, it felt like for the first time in my life it was good timing. He came along at a point where I felt the most alone. I mean I could sing that kids praises all day long but thats not what this is about. This brings me to one of the biggest parts of this journey...I started CBT not long after our friendship started and I think the combination of having a friend I feel like I can truly always turn to when in need and a professional providing an understanding of my mental vicious cycles, I feel like I'm making actual progress.
I still don't believe friendships are permanent. People come and go and I have yet to experience anything different. My point is, that I have a lot of work to do on my mental health and I saw a woman on twitter say what I've always said in person. Mental health awareness week is all well and good but awareness should be 24/7 and should be offline as well as online. We all have a mental health that falters every now and then and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. Always ask for help people. Please. Or help others if you notice something doesn't seem quite right, you never know it might save a life...A simple friendly conversation can make a world of difference amidst what feels like a lifetime of hopeless loneliness. And who knows that friendly conversation could become a close friendship and maybe if you're lucky they'll stay but who knows? Right now I'm in a bit of a weird patch. My anxiety is okay but my depression is bad. But we take each day as it comes. I can't keep dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. I need to stay in the now. But I'll let you know how that goes.
Bub-bye peeps<3
Monday, 15 January 2018
It's been too long
I've had many MANY breakdowns since the last post I put up...like actual life altering mental breakdowns that have changed my perspective on my path in life. The only thing that has kept me sane recently is starting to read Happy by Derren Brown and I can't believe how just little changes to your thought process can alter your entire perspective.
However, as lighthearted as that now seems my head is in a very dark place and i've never needed help more than I do now. But recently i've found better friends to rely on and surround myself with, realised I need to put less pressure on myself and focus on my mental health and ultimately realised that changing my career path that i've been dedicated to for the best part of 20 years down another path ISN'T me giving up and I should be proud of how far I have already come.
I'm really struggling to write much more right now, so I am going to come back to this tomorrow.
Bye for now
However, as lighthearted as that now seems my head is in a very dark place and i've never needed help more than I do now. But recently i've found better friends to rely on and surround myself with, realised I need to put less pressure on myself and focus on my mental health and ultimately realised that changing my career path that i've been dedicated to for the best part of 20 years down another path ISN'T me giving up and I should be proud of how far I have already come.
I'm really struggling to write much more right now, so I am going to come back to this tomorrow.
Bye for now
Saturday, 30 September 2017
Insecurities.
We all have them. Whether it's physical or internal within our minds, even the cockiest person has an insecurity. How do we deal with this? We mask them, we put ourselves down by torturing ourselves like its wrong to look like the way we were born, or disgustingly we project our insecurities at other people and take others down to our own level in some feeble attempt at making ourselves feel better. The latter are what call bullies, but I wont go into that rant.
The point of this post is that, I want to learn to love myself and be more confident and comfortable in my own skin but its hard in a internet hard-wired society that brainwashes us with images of fake perfection that is flawless contour and highlight, eyebrows that are on fleek and a figure that runway models would be jealous of. Considering the generation I grew up in, i've done quite well to have a reasonable amount of confidence - well enough to get me through the day without requiring the online validation of meaningless figures to my follower count or the likes on my pictures. Everything I do online as well as in my offline life I do for me. To make me happy. Not others. I dont need their validation. At one point I thought I did, but that quickly dissipated when I realised that was a hopeless effort as my posts got lost in the sea of what I percieved to be "perfection" when in reality most of it is fake.
So yes, I do have insecurities - imperfections i'd want to correct but never would because they are what make me, me. I have ears that stick out a little more than most but I accept that they can actually be cute at some angles. I have pale, sparse eyebrows which I do fill in but only because it makes me feel confident and happy not because I want to impress the insta stars or the beauty gurus with how symmetrical I can make them. Nearly 99% of the time I have hair that looks like a birds nest if not straightened or tamed in some way shape or form, but I appreciate the malleability of it. I'm like half an inch off six foot and for a girl thats ridiculous if I want to wear heels on a night out AND have nice pictures taken with my friends where I dont look like a hunchback as I try to fit into the frame, but I appreciate the fact I can reach to the back of the tallest shelves when I need something for myself or others.
No matter what your insecurity, you should realise that even though you may not like it you are allowed to change it but maybe try looking for the positive in what you see in the mirror before you lose all hope, because god knows i've been there and I know how miserable it is. However, in looking for the positives, you are making this world a darn sight more prettier in its views than the one we currently live in that I can only wish and hope gets better for at least my future kids if I have any.
Anyway bub-bye for now bloggers<3
The point of this post is that, I want to learn to love myself and be more confident and comfortable in my own skin but its hard in a internet hard-wired society that brainwashes us with images of fake perfection that is flawless contour and highlight, eyebrows that are on fleek and a figure that runway models would be jealous of. Considering the generation I grew up in, i've done quite well to have a reasonable amount of confidence - well enough to get me through the day without requiring the online validation of meaningless figures to my follower count or the likes on my pictures. Everything I do online as well as in my offline life I do for me. To make me happy. Not others. I dont need their validation. At one point I thought I did, but that quickly dissipated when I realised that was a hopeless effort as my posts got lost in the sea of what I percieved to be "perfection" when in reality most of it is fake.
So yes, I do have insecurities - imperfections i'd want to correct but never would because they are what make me, me. I have ears that stick out a little more than most but I accept that they can actually be cute at some angles. I have pale, sparse eyebrows which I do fill in but only because it makes me feel confident and happy not because I want to impress the insta stars or the beauty gurus with how symmetrical I can make them. Nearly 99% of the time I have hair that looks like a birds nest if not straightened or tamed in some way shape or form, but I appreciate the malleability of it. I'm like half an inch off six foot and for a girl thats ridiculous if I want to wear heels on a night out AND have nice pictures taken with my friends where I dont look like a hunchback as I try to fit into the frame, but I appreciate the fact I can reach to the back of the tallest shelves when I need something for myself or others.
No matter what your insecurity, you should realise that even though you may not like it you are allowed to change it but maybe try looking for the positive in what you see in the mirror before you lose all hope, because god knows i've been there and I know how miserable it is. However, in looking for the positives, you are making this world a darn sight more prettier in its views than the one we currently live in that I can only wish and hope gets better for at least my future kids if I have any.
Anyway bub-bye for now bloggers<3
 | ||
| top - makeup half . middle - no makeup half . bottom - no makeup and glasses (all pictures are me, sorry for the crap webcam quality) . We just need to learn to love ourselves, or at the very least just be kinder to ourselves and others around us. Maybe we wouldnt all be so miserable all the time, if we did that. |
Thursday, 11 May 2017
Control.
I struggle with this concept we call control.
I hate to not be in control.
But with important decisions I need someone else to take control. I'm a coward like that.Controlling things until i'm too scared to.
But that's my deep rooted issue. Fear.
Fear that everyone is out to bring me down.
Fear that people dont like me.
Fear that people might envy and therefore hate me.
Fear of attention.
Fear of confrontation.
Fear of being in big crowds.
Fear of being alone.
I'm a tall, lanky, anxious ball of fear. And I dont know how to harness and control it.
I'll leave it at that for today.
Bub-bye for now bloggers<3
I hate to not be in control.
But with important decisions I need someone else to take control. I'm a coward like that.Controlling things until i'm too scared to.
But that's my deep rooted issue. Fear.
Fear that everyone is out to bring me down.
Fear that people dont like me.
Fear that people might envy and therefore hate me.
Fear of attention.
Fear of confrontation.
Fear of being in big crowds.
Fear of being alone.
I'm a tall, lanky, anxious ball of fear. And I dont know how to harness and control it.
I'll leave it at that for today.
Bub-bye for now bloggers<3
Monday, 10 April 2017
Am I here?
So my anxiety levels have been increased for obvious reasons - it being exam season and all...
This time however, it has brought on a new kind of wave of emotion or lack of in this case. I have my usual bad anxious habits like biting my lips and tongue and procrastination, but this year I have put a whole new level of pressure on myself to get a 2:1 and as much as I know im capable of getting it, my mind is being a bitch about it and seems to have other plans.
What im trying to get to is that, my obsessive picking has gotten worse and ive never felt so uncomfortable in my skin like this and every now and then - usually when im left to my thoughts - I have an almost out of body experience. Like im not really present. Like I clocked out mentally. I hate it because i'll be walking down the street and this will happen but i'll keep on walking and somehow I clock back in and i've forgotten the last 5 minutes. I feel like i'm actually losing my mind.
I know this will probably pass after my exams but what about the next period of stress in my life. How do I get this under control? What is even happening to me when I clock out?
Not going to lie, it does scare me.
Bub-bye for now bloggers<3
This time however, it has brought on a new kind of wave of emotion or lack of in this case. I have my usual bad anxious habits like biting my lips and tongue and procrastination, but this year I have put a whole new level of pressure on myself to get a 2:1 and as much as I know im capable of getting it, my mind is being a bitch about it and seems to have other plans.
What im trying to get to is that, my obsessive picking has gotten worse and ive never felt so uncomfortable in my skin like this and every now and then - usually when im left to my thoughts - I have an almost out of body experience. Like im not really present. Like I clocked out mentally. I hate it because i'll be walking down the street and this will happen but i'll keep on walking and somehow I clock back in and i've forgotten the last 5 minutes. I feel like i'm actually losing my mind.
I know this will probably pass after my exams but what about the next period of stress in my life. How do I get this under control? What is even happening to me when I clock out?
Not going to lie, it does scare me.
Bub-bye for now bloggers<3
 |
| this song lyric has always hit me hard... |
Monday, 20 February 2017
Young and "in love"...
So by the title, you can probably assume this is going to be a bitter post or that somehow miraculously I learned to let someone in.
No.
I got thinking about young people and love and don't get me wrong, I strongly believe you can find love young. I, myself, am a product of very young love and i've watched it succeed and stand the test of time, so yes I believe it can work.
In today's generation however, it seems to becoming increasingly prevalent to find the "partner of your dreams" before you even begin actually living. To some extent, I can understand why having your heart broken or complete at a young age is appealing and it all contributes to your words of wisdom in later life because in a way, you started experiencing more at younger age. Having said that, I believe thats the major flaw in young love. You may look back at those times with a fresh perspective as an adult and learn from those experience and carry them forward in life, but I feel like this aspect of our young lives are way too concentrated on that aspect of life experience and as a consequence we waste our years of youth on people that are also trying to figure themselves out.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that we need to focus more on ourselves and how we feel about ourselves rather than on what others are feeling for you or about you. I'm a strong believer that time tests friendships and relationships and the people that are just passing through are just that. It's the people that stick around you need to focus on. The ones that want to keep you around. The ones you want to keep around. Those are the people you grow to love.
I guess this probably sounded bitter and I guess this did come from a bitter place, but i'm content in the fact that I didn't "miss out" on valuable life experiences because I had my fair share - just maybe not in that particular aspect of life experience.
I'm still growing as a person. We all are. I don't want to rush love, because I know that it will soo be worth the wait when it finally arrives.
For now, i'm going to be selfish and focus on myself.
Bub-bye for now bloggers <3
No.
I got thinking about young people and love and don't get me wrong, I strongly believe you can find love young. I, myself, am a product of very young love and i've watched it succeed and stand the test of time, so yes I believe it can work.
In today's generation however, it seems to becoming increasingly prevalent to find the "partner of your dreams" before you even begin actually living. To some extent, I can understand why having your heart broken or complete at a young age is appealing and it all contributes to your words of wisdom in later life because in a way, you started experiencing more at younger age. Having said that, I believe thats the major flaw in young love. You may look back at those times with a fresh perspective as an adult and learn from those experience and carry them forward in life, but I feel like this aspect of our young lives are way too concentrated on that aspect of life experience and as a consequence we waste our years of youth on people that are also trying to figure themselves out.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that we need to focus more on ourselves and how we feel about ourselves rather than on what others are feeling for you or about you. I'm a strong believer that time tests friendships and relationships and the people that are just passing through are just that. It's the people that stick around you need to focus on. The ones that want to keep you around. The ones you want to keep around. Those are the people you grow to love.
I guess this probably sounded bitter and I guess this did come from a bitter place, but i'm content in the fact that I didn't "miss out" on valuable life experiences because I had my fair share - just maybe not in that particular aspect of life experience.
I'm still growing as a person. We all are. I don't want to rush love, because I know that it will soo be worth the wait when it finally arrives.
For now, i'm going to be selfish and focus on myself.
Bub-bye for now bloggers <3
 |
| I guess we'll never stop being told that patience is a virtue... |
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