no regrets.

Friday 27th May 2016.
A day I shall now never forget.
The day I put my heart on the line.
The night he confirmed what I already knew. 
The night I realised I'd loved him all along. 
This is what love feels like. 
This is also what heartbreak feels like.
I'll get over him eventually.
One day I might feel again. 
I hope so.
But I also hope one day he feels the same...
I don't regret letting myself get hurt.
Not at all.
I know I'll never stop loving him.
So that's okay. 
He'll always be an important part of my life.
He won't disappear will he?
I hope not.
No regrets.
None at all.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

exactly.

 

those pesky feelings....again

all the things i want to say to you...

always has been.

definitely a little too much...

although i would prefer to be closer...

i mean youve looked after it for nearly 5 years now...

no matter how many times i see you, its always the same feeling

pretty much. damn you.

Bub-bye bloggers<3

Stress...a self-fulfilling prophecy

So, with my recently diagnosed anxiety, I've noticed a lot of viscious cycles that it causes. 

For example, a massive one right now, i think "i need to do some revision" then i scare myself silly about how much revision i have to do and think "i'm never going to finish this in time" this essentially is my panicked way of procrastination as i think "im going to fail if i don't get this done" but when i calm a little i'll go back to thinking "i need to do some revision"...and so on...

This isnt the first time this has happened to me. It happened during my GCSE's, AS-levels and A-levels so i wasnt very surprised when it creeped back. What i havent learned yet is what pulls me out of that cycle...

I think i need to remember WHY i am doing this...maybe that will help...oh i dont know.
Anyway, i'll stop rambling now.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

this is quite powerful...

Reasons to stay alive.

I'm reading this book. That's why the title of this book is called what it is. I've never been suicidal don't worry. I've wished I've never existed before but that's different to wishing to kill yourself.

I have Anxiety.

It's just as weird typing that out as it is saying it out loud. It's strange to think that I'd suspected it so long and it turned out to be true. I cried when she said it...but I still have a phone call to make - I'd rather gouge my eyeballs out with a blunt rusty spoon.

I know this is all over the place but that's just where my heads at right now...but this book is speaking to me. Not so much with the deep dark depression but 90% of it I have felt before. I've never been able to put it into words before, so it's been very overwhelming to read this...

Sorry for this mess of a post...I just felt compelled to write it for some reason.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

we could all learn from Mr Haig...

 

Stay strong.

Twice in one day? I hear you say...yes, but this is something I really needed to vent about and I don't know how this is going to conclude but I hope I make a bit more sense of my head by the end of this.

Stay strong... this is a phrase I've heard since Demi Lovato came out of rehab...it sounds silly but I obsessed over this phrase. It became part of me. It came to me during a time of struggle, what with puberty and everything. But instead of finding the strength within myself as the phrase implies, I took strength from the phrase itself and used it as a shield...an excuse not to feel what I was truly feeling. A mask. To this day, everytime I take a shower I still feel the need to trace to saying into the steam on the shower door, to serve as a reminder not to be weak.

But what's so wrong with that? What's so wrong about showing weakness? What's so wrong about showing that you are human? 

I realised this today, watching a youtube video in which she told me to "stay strong" and that's when it clicked in my head. Sometimes I don't have to be strong because I am not invincible. None of us are. But we like to think we are, but we're all living a delusion. Sure, if we gave up stength we would be wasting our lives wallowing in our own grief and troubles and that is no life to live. But that isnt what I'm saying. 

I'm saying we need to be human. Allow ourselves to be weak sometimes. Because sooner or later our minds crack. It's all part of mental illness. I just wished I had realised this sooner.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

Just some food for thought...

Up....down.....up......down.......

This week has been weird, but I can't tell if it was in a good or bad way. For example, yesterday I was in one of my weirder moods for the first half of the day at uni and I had a great day with everyone. Then I came back to my flat.
Now this is where it all went downhill, and I have no idea why. I know that one of my flatmates were doing my head in but I'm not sure why it got to me so much and I just generally felt both sad and angry. I hate it when that happens, because I can't explain why it happens. It just does. 

I had to take a time out. It got that bad but I did my cool-off and I was presentable again. Still not back to normal but okay. I really wish these wouldn't happen because it means that I snap at people for no reason and I get immediately on the defensive when I don't even need to be. It sucks. 
I guess that will be something else I need to talk about....

Ugh, I genuinely hate my head. 

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

True dat. (sorry for saying true dat...)

True motivation.

For the first time in a long time, I believe, I have been truly motivated to go for my goal whole-heartedly.
It seems like it has been a long time coming, but I've started having regular meetings at uni to figure out what has been going on in my head and my god is it working. These past 2 weeks I have been solidly motivated to start my revision for my exams after easter. It's never felt so good to do work. Sure, it's really hard too but for once I don't care. The only thing that matters to me now is that I pass these exams with flying colours and step closer to my dream.

There is that small problem of my anxiety still, though. I wish it wasn't there, but at the same time, its been so long that I feel without it I would be lost. I've never been carefree. I can't remember the last time I was carefree.
Was it college? Absolutely not.
Was it secondary school? Dream on.
Was it primary school? Still remains to be the worst time of my life.
Was it nursery? I cant remember a lot from that time...so maybe.
Wow...it should not be that long ago. I guess it doesn't really get better than this then.

I guess I just need to master the art of living with it rather than suffering through it...

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

You're welcome future me...