I was thinking about my childhood...my time in primary school. Now I don't want this to sound like a sob story, so keep that in mind, because I'm over it and I see it as a positive thing now. I was bullied. Not in the extreme way that meant I was crying at home after school- no, that's what I read for, an escape. I was bullied in the way that just left me feeling confused and dejected. As you have probably guessed, I wasn't popular, no one really accepted me and I didn't know why. I was called names that didn't really get to me, I mean they didn't say anything that I hadn't already heard, and they were about as creative as a primary school student could be so it didn't hurt me. To this day I still don't know why.
Why didn't people like me? Why was I the subject of their jokes? What had I done to them? Sure these questions still haunt me and I will never know why those kids never accepted me, but at least I don't care as much now. Because, today, I realised that these questions that swim in the back of my mind, are the very reason why socialising scares me. Why the very concept of saying 'hello' and introducing myself is terrifying and makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I plan to face that fear starting today. Now I know why, I can stop the pattern. This stupid fear of not being accepted is irrational- based on something that happened when I was only a kid. Sure it was cruel at times and definitely unfair, but I am happy with the person I am today. That's probably why I'm not a bitter, cold and bitchy teenager now. My past has definitely gotten in the way...but as I said, I intend to change that. I deserve that much.
Bub-bye for now bloggers :)
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| Isn't this perfect? |
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