Update.

I'm learning to drive. Yeap. Me. Emily. One of the clumsiest people in the world is learning to drive. I hate it right now. I nearly had a panic attack behind the wheel while I was driving. How my dad trusted me to do that I'll never know.
But somehow its given me the burst of confidence. Just because I got scared and panicky, it doesn't change the fact that I drove a car yesterday.

Again, I achieved goal 3 from my last post. I was well and truly terrified. But I'm definitely glad I did it...

Here's to another lesson I guess...lets hope I don't die.

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

not really no but i'll do it anyway...

My goals

I had a few BIG goals this year all to do with my future career that were extremely difficult in ways to achieve because in life there are no guarantees. They were as follows;

1. get into my first choice university with at least a conditional offer
2. get my first proper job that earns money
3. do things that LITERALLY scare you
4. learn about how to live alone

So far, I have achieved number 1 and 3. I am so incredibly happy this week. I just feel like for once the universe is on my side...and knowing my luck I've probably just jinxed it...but yes, I have a conditional offer from the my best and favourite uni, meaning all I have to do now is work hard and get the grades. As for 3, socialising is a big, scary thing for me and it isn't easy for me to do. But this week has been a big one in the eyes of socialisation. I've spoken to people I don't know and I've opened up and become more welcoming to others which is something I SERIOUSLY lacked.
Because I feel like scaring myself more after that adrenaline rush (dramatic but true) I decided to start looking for jobs, so hopefully I will have a 3rd ticked off by the end of this month...this is all scary stuff guys.
I feel like setting these kinds of goals is extremely important because even though some of hem can be extremely extravagant, it feels x100 better than if you achieved 'eat less unhealthy foods' and personally I feel really proud and accomplished.
I'm really starting to grow up now and i'm slowly fitting into my own personality. Maybe you should set yourself some goals today. record them. plan them. achieve them. I cannot express how great this feeling is...
I think teenage Emily would be proud of 2015 Emily...x

bub-bye for now bloggers<3

 

Teenage Emily.

I'm nearly 18. You know? The age that you become classed as a legal adult?
This. Thought. Is. Absolutely. Terrifying.
So in an attempt to 'recapture' shall I say, my youth I decided to read back on some of my old blog posts. And I think its safe to say that I was the worlds most unstereotypical teenager EVER. I mean, sure, I was trying to 'figure myself out and who my real friends were' (of which, may I add, I know are real now), but I think I really did figure out some pretty serious stuff that I had actually forgotten about.

I'm a much better judge of character now. I noticed that I mentioned this "1 true friend who I could tell EVERYTHING to" back then, and let me tell you that she didn't turn out to be who I thought she was. She was pulling the wool over my eyes. But im not going to go into that again, because I am well and truly over her.

I was also hung up on my feelings towards this one guy. Truth be told, I still don't know if I liked him seriously, but I'm guessing that it was probably just a crush. I don't talk to him as much anymore, which makes me sad because I do miss him but I guess there's a time to move on and that time is now.

There was also that massive thing in my life called STRESS. Yeah, that still most certainly has not disappeared and I'm still not great at dealing with it, but at least im still trying. I wont give up on trying to stop the stress ball from rolling down the hill.

The final thing is the lack of knowledge in the feelings department. so basically just never knowing what im really feeling. I guess this has gotten better but I will still confuse myself every now and then. But again, this is something that im still working on.

I admire 15 year old Emily. She was wise at times and she knew she had issues that needed fixing and in some ways she was better at coping than I am right now. And because of her, I'm not as scared of the future anymore. I can make friends. I can be confident. I can achieve. I can be myself. Above all of that, I can cope. Through everything that has been thrown at me (sometimes literally thrown) I made it out intact, not unscathed, but together nonetheless, and when im older ill look back on this blog again, and I will have changed even more. Achieved more. Made more friends. Become more confident. Thank you Emily, for knowing who you are.

Here's to the future eh?

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

<3

Appreciate everything

...and life becomes a lot more interesting...

I'm awkward.

I've always wondered why I am so awkward and extremely uncomfortable around people...and I think I've figured out why.

I was thinking about my childhood...my time in primary school. Now I don't want this to sound like a sob story, so keep that in mind, because I'm over it and I see it as a positive thing now. I was bullied. Not in the extreme way that meant I was crying at home after school- no, that's what I read for, an escape. I was bullied in the way that just left me feeling confused and dejected. As you have probably guessed, I wasn't popular, no one really accepted me and I didn't know why. I was called names that didn't really get to me, I mean they didn't say anything that I hadn't already heard, and they were about as creative as a primary school student could be so it didn't hurt me. To this day I still don't know why.

Why didn't people like me? Why was I the subject of their jokes? What had I done to them? Sure these questions still haunt me and I will never know why those kids never accepted me, but at least I don't care as much now. Because, today, I realised that these questions that swim in the back of my mind, are the very reason why socialising scares me. Why the very concept of saying 'hello' and introducing myself is terrifying and makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

I plan to face that fear starting today. Now I know why, I can stop the pattern. This stupid fear of not being accepted is irrational- based on something that happened when I was only a kid. Sure it was cruel at times and definitely unfair, but I am happy with the person I am today. That's probably why I'm not a bitter, cold and bitchy teenager now. My past has definitely gotten in the way...but as I said, I intend to change that. I deserve that much.

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

Isn't this perfect?

To, my friends and family...x

Thank you for being so amazing to me.

Thank you for treating me well.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm important to you.

Thank you for making me smile.

Thank you for making me laugh.

Thank you for being so phenomenally kind that I feel too lucky to have you.

Thank you for being my friend.

There are no words to express my gratitude for your existence in my life.

I love you.

Thank you, x

Bub-bye for now bloggers- and merry Christmas and a happy new year :)

I love you guys....x

The Internet.

So yesterday I started reading Girl Online by Zoe Sugg, i.e Zoella. I also read her blog post on why she stopped daily vlogging for December's vlogmas (i'm loving her book by the way, I recommend young teens to read it as it portrays many issues that teens encounter, but aren't necessarily addressed in day to day life and i believe a lot of young teens can relate to it).

It made me realise that I am lucky that i grew up with a tech-savvy father. I see children these days, usually my 11 year old sisters friends, walking around with iPhones and posting selfies and videos to facebook and instagram and all that fun social media...and it makes me sad because I know that these 10/11 year olds probably don't know that they are putting themselves at risk when they carelessly update another whiny facebook status about someone they don't like, or accepting friend requests from people they don't know. 

When i was 14 or 15 when i got my facebook profile, my parents sat me down and told me how to stay safe on the internet and not to add anyone i didn't know, so i did as they told me. There was one day that i changed my profile picture to one of my wearing a black vest top, no make-up (as per usual), glasses on, hair down...perfectly innocent. But what i fail to mention is that my hair dark brown and very long and this was a black and white picture of my head and shoulders. So it almost seemed as if i was topless (which i most certainly was not, as that is careless beyond belief and i am way to insecure to pull off a stunt like that), but at that point i hadn't realised so when my parents asked me to change my profile picture, i was confused but now i understand. 

This is what parents should be like with their children. Not enough parents or carers monitor their child's activities on social media and in my opinion this is part of the cause to cyberbullying. The internet can be a dark, scary place if you are unfamiliar to its communities. Cases like Amanda Todd's is perfect to demonstrate this, and just referencing her name brings me sadness...

Being internet smart and educated, i believe, is very important in today's society. This is why Zoe Sugg is and idol to me on the internet. She tells us in her blog post that she has been bombarded with hate, as well as people who she cares dearly about. This makes me sad, angry, frustrated and all round tired of people who can't just keep their negative thoughts and opinions to themselves. 

In my recent teenage years, i've been faced with A-levels and making massive decisions about my future and with this stress and huge work-load, comes anxiety. And panic attacks. And emotional fluctuation. And even more stress. And tiredness. And sadness...the list goes on. But when i started watching Zoe's videos, i came across her anxiety videos, and i have been obsessed with her ever since. Words cannot describe how appreciative and the amount of admiration i have for this girl. Her strength and confidence inspires me every day. Just typing this has brought tears to my eyes, because i know that she probably doesn't feel like she's an inspiration making videos and posting blog entries, while writing books and designing product lines. But she has helped me be a more positive and thoughtful person. 

Because of her sharing her life, with her 6 million subscribers, i have learned to surround myself with people who make you feel good about herself, to think positively even when you are having panic attacks and most importantly for me, how to live with anxiety.

Before watching her videos and reading her blogs, i knew of anxiety. I knew people who had anxiety, that kind of overshadowed my realisation...but her words made me stop doubting myself...which i tend to do a lot. She helped me cope.

I can never thank her enough. 

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Still not enough....

I hope one day i can meet her face to face and tell her how much i appreciate her and how much i love her. But for now, all i can hope is that by some miracle, she's sees this blog post. 

Love you Zoe<3

Bub bye for now bloggers :)