True motivation.

For the first time in a long time, I believe, I have been truly motivated to go for my goal whole-heartedly.
It seems like it has been a long time coming, but I've started having regular meetings at uni to figure out what has been going on in my head and my god is it working. These past 2 weeks I have been solidly motivated to start my revision for my exams after easter. It's never felt so good to do work. Sure, it's really hard too but for once I don't care. The only thing that matters to me now is that I pass these exams with flying colours and step closer to my dream.

There is that small problem of my anxiety still, though. I wish it wasn't there, but at the same time, its been so long that I feel without it I would be lost. I've never been carefree. I can't remember the last time I was carefree.
Was it college? Absolutely not.
Was it secondary school? Dream on.
Was it primary school? Still remains to be the worst time of my life.
Was it nursery? I cant remember a lot from that time...so maybe.
Wow...it should not be that long ago. I guess it doesn't really get better than this then.

I guess I just need to master the art of living with it rather than suffering through it...

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

You're welcome future me...

Anger.

I would lie and say 'I don't know why I'm so angry at everyone' but I do, and I cant be around anyone without snapping at them. In all honesty, it would be fine if I told them why I was snapping...it might actually help them gain a positive personality characteristic, but for some reason I highly doubt that would happen.

I'm at university. I count my lucky stars and make sure I remember how privileged and lucky I am to be here. To have the family I have. To have the friends from home - not losing contact with them because I found new people.

This past week or 2 one of my best friends, practically the big brother I never had, is suffering badly from depression. I'm scared he'll give up. I'm scared he'll do something stupid. I'm scared because I don't know what to do.

So that's why I'm upset. Justified right? I'm going through the day listening to them whine to me about their petty little problems to which I give a solution which is never good enough and all I can think of is 'how f***ing ungrateful'. They are so lucky that they have the life they have and yet they'll still whine about the most benign pathetic problems.

Grow up. That's what I want to say.

Of course I say none of this because, believe it or not, despite those thoughts of mine you've just read, I am a decent human being with morals. And of course, I'm not saying my opinion is golden and not at all wrong...I just wish they could see how lucky we all are...

I'm sorry for my angry rant...thank you for reading and understanding...if you did understand all that that is.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

I love finding the quotes that sum my feelings up perfectly.

I did it.

I told him.
What I was 'feeling'...maybe I should say what I was thinking instead.
Using that word doesn't require me to use quotation marks.

He made it worthwhile. He made it easy. He made it hurt less. Less. I still hurt. Almost entirely, but he stopped that.

I'm scared. Scared that I don't know what love is. I can listen to those love songs and read the love stories and watch the romance blossom on the big screen, I could tell you what love is meant to feel like, but I cant tell you that I've felt it myself. It makes me question whether its real, or whether its just a figment of our imaginations that helps us feel needed on this earth because someone, lets say, your 'soulmate' needs you to be happy, to feel whole, simply because without you the world doesn't rotate quite right. Summer isn't so bright. Winter is too cold without your warm embrace. You know. All that sappy rubbish.

Why cant I feel this? maybe i'm just being impatient...maybe I'm jaded...but for now all I know is that, right now? Its a much easier life without it.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

It speaks for itself really.

It's piling on again.

That feeling of the walls closing in on me...again.
I'm terrified.
Anxious.
Worried.
Sad.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to feel.
I don't know what is a normal response...appropriate.
Just tell me I'm being silly. That I shouldn't be feeling this way and maybe, oh maybe I might be able to get over it.

But until then...I'm lost. With no moral compass to lead the way.

I just don't know what to do.

Can you tell?

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

I want it to start back up again.

Yet another damn feelings post...

It's a running theme on this blog, that I assume no one reads but me, that I am utterly useless when it comes to feelings. I never know what emotion is filling my head and making me act the way I do and I sometimes never know what or how to feel about someone, and I've lived like this my whole life.
No joke.
It's only recently I've figured out who my best friends are and who I need in my life, rather than who do I need to look after...anyways. All of these thoughts have resurfaced since I've met this guy. Now I know I spoke about my high school/college crush I had for like 3 years on this blog, and I'm pretty certain that he was perfect for me, but I had to move on because he found a girl who was perfect for him; a girl I can definitely agree better suited him than me. My point about him was that eventually after the second year of knowing him, I was certain my feelings were close to that of love. Sure, that's probably pretty presumptuous considering I never dated him but just let me have this one. So, moving onto current time. I've met a guy I really like. In fact his personality is similar to that of the last guy, but obviously this is different and I'm not trying to replace the first guy. BUT, here's the thing: I have no idea what to feel right now. I DO know I'm terrified. We've both admitted we like each other and he knows I'm not good with feelings, but I don't think he understands the full extent to which this goes. I guess I'm scared that he'll get bored of waiting for me to figure it out and move on, but in a way I think we're in the same position. I just don't want to hurt him.
I will not let him be hurt by my naivety.
I just need to take things slow...because that's just how long it takes for me to feel. It sucks I know, but I don't want to give up quite yet. I don't want to run away.
Please don't let me run away.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

couldn't really put it better myself...

University.

So.
I'm an adult now and I can't quite believe I'm at this stage in my life.
I'm living alone. Well with 6 other flatmates, but you know what I mean. Actually living.
I'm managing my own finances...barely. Cooking for myself. Cleaning. Washing. Travelling. All on my own and I cant help but feel an overwhelming sense of pride.
I've made it.
I know its not exactly easy right now...but I'm living and that's all that matters.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

this quote spoke to me...

Done.

I finished college. Forever. I'm now going to university in September. In London. What? When? How?

I'm just so happy.

When my thoughts are more coherent, i'll come back to this but until now i will just leave you with a quote as usual.

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

perfection.