Young and "in love"...

So by the title, you can probably assume this is going to be a bitter post or that somehow miraculously I learned to let someone in.

No.

I got thinking about young people and love and don't get me wrong, I strongly believe you can find love young. I, myself, am a product of very young love and i've watched it succeed and stand the test of time, so yes I believe it can work.

In today's generation however, it seems to becoming increasingly prevalent to find the "partner of your dreams" before you even begin actually living. To some extent, I can understand why having your heart broken or complete at a young age is appealing and it all contributes to your words of wisdom in later life because in a way, you started experiencing more at younger age. Having said that, I believe thats the major flaw in young love. You may look back at those times with a fresh perspective as an adult and learn from those experience and carry them forward in life, but I feel like this aspect of our young lives are way too concentrated on that aspect of life experience and as a consequence we waste our years of youth on people that are also trying to figure themselves out.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that we need to focus more on ourselves and how we feel about ourselves rather than on what others are feeling for you or about you. I'm a strong believer that time tests friendships and relationships and the people that are just passing through are just that. It's the people that stick around you need to focus on. The ones that want to keep you around. The ones you want to keep around. Those are the people you grow to love.

I guess this probably sounded bitter and I guess this did come from a bitter place, but i'm content in the fact that I didn't "miss out" on valuable life experiences because I had my fair share - just maybe not in that particular aspect of life experience.

I'm still growing as a person. We all are. I don't want to rush love, because I know that it will soo be worth the wait when it finally arrives.

For now, i'm going to be selfish and focus on myself.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

I guess we'll never stop being told that patience is a virtue...

Why do we always ask why?

I'm depressed. I'm anxious. Sure, there are multiple psychologically scarring causes that I know of but still, no matter what, in the moment I always find myself asking why? As if I need to justify what I'm feeling in that moment. When in reality, I just need to feel those feelings.

Right now it's 12.41am and I'm sad. So incredibly sad. Lonely. Helpless. Useless. Hoping that writing this out into the dark void that is the internet, where it will undoubtably be forgotten forever never to be read by anyone but me in the future, will somehow ease the ache in my chest. No one in my life knows I suffer like this. Mainly because I don't think I'm allowed to suffer like this in front of them.

I'm too scared to be vulnerable and they will never see that side.

Yet I am angry. So unbelievably angry. Why? Because I live with one of the most selfish socially-inept people I have met that makes a mockery out of people who actually deal with serious mental illness. I'm not referring to me as suffering with mental illness...even though I do, I know it could be much worse. No. She is attention seeking and I know it. It disgusts me. I actually feel physically sick watching her do this.

And now it's 12.48am and I now hate myself again. Why am I like this? Why do I always turn my anger on other people? I've always wanted to stop the cycle of bullying. I'm not bullying, don't get me wrong. I just believe that I'm being as bad as the bully when I hate someone. Even if I never tell them I feel like I'm as bad as them.

But now I realise I'm being a hypocrite. Why did I start this post with saying I just need to feel my feelings then stop myself from feeling angry?!

And now it's 12.52am and I'm back at hating myself.

Will I ever tell anyone about this blog?

It's the only secret I've kept completely to myself.

I never wanna tell anyone.

It's nice to scream into the void where I know no one will respond or judge.

I don't know what to call this.

Right now I'm angry and terrified.

I'm angry because of people. I'm terrified because I feel like im going to explode because im so angry. But here's the thing - I HATE confrontation....I think if I was ever in a fight i'd have a heart attack, my heart beats THAT fast. So instead I vent at the wall, and that makes my heart start racing fgs.

I have my first proper therapy session on tuesday and im nothing short of petrified. I want to forget about it but I can't. I can't skip it because my guilty conscience would make me feel sick to my stomach, but so does the thought of going in the first place.

Jesus this is a vicious cycle.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

wow

Resentment...

One of the worst emotions to feel towards another person, because most of the time they have no idea what effect they have on you.

I don't want to talk too much about it because i hope it's going to pass, instead of dwelling on it.

I hope you can find it in you not to resent anyone. It takes a certain strength to not hold grudges or any kind of bitterness for anyone.

But it's a lonely dark world if you do. I'm speaking from experience.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

It's not easy

How the hell is it october already?

Anyway, I got to thinking about this year and what its been like for me, and I did come to some conclusions and I will warn you - they're not happy. That seemed to be the theme this year unfortunately.

I've been very mournful. I lost a lot this year but as did the world. Terrorist attacks. Hate crimes...I wont continue that list, you get it.

But I've lost myself this year, along with my connections to people and it all hit me in a big wave recently, and it hit me hard.
I dont know if i've brought my grandad up on this blog before but he had a MASSIVE influence on my childhood, despite the short time together. A big part of me is my grandad and I lost him a good 6/7 years ago now but this year particularly after finishing my first year of uni, I wanted nothing more than for him to see me accomplish one of the biggest things in my life and I could almost picture the pride on his face when I would tell him.
I miss him.
I wish he was here.

Now I cant see the screen through tears so I should probably stop now.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

yes.

i've been thinking...a lot

Here's the weird thing about me: my head is always in one of two states.

• Aways in overdrive, thinking over everything four or five times - for that I blame the anxiety.
• Or thinking about absolutely nothing - numb to feeling anything or caring about the world.

Lately, it's been a good mix of both, but the weirdest part and most frustrating part about all of this is, I LOVE organisation so when my head is in a bit of a mess I get into my worst moods. I hate it because I can't explain it without sounding stupid or crazy. So I guess this is what i'm trying to do right now, find an outlet to organise my thoughts and feelings so that somehow I can feel sane and together and....normal - in the loosest sense of the word. Time to explore different methods I guess. Let's pull yourself together shall we?

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

hmm...

no regrets.

Friday 27th May 2016.
A day I shall now never forget.
The day I put my heart on the line.
The night he confirmed what I already knew. 
The night I realised I'd loved him all along. 
This is what love feels like. 
This is also what heartbreak feels like.
I'll get over him eventually.
One day I might feel again. 
I hope so.
But I also hope one day he feels the same...
I don't regret letting myself get hurt.
Not at all.
I know I'll never stop loving him.
So that's okay. 
He'll always be an important part of my life.
He won't disappear will he?
I hope not.
No regrets.
None at all.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

exactly.