I'm awkward.

I've always wondered why I am so awkward and extremely uncomfortable around people...and I think I've figured out why.

I was thinking about my childhood...my time in primary school. Now I don't want this to sound like a sob story, so keep that in mind, because I'm over it and I see it as a positive thing now. I was bullied. Not in the extreme way that meant I was crying at home after school- no, that's what I read for, an escape. I was bullied in the way that just left me feeling confused and dejected. As you have probably guessed, I wasn't popular, no one really accepted me and I didn't know why. I was called names that didn't really get to me, I mean they didn't say anything that I hadn't already heard, and they were about as creative as a primary school student could be so it didn't hurt me. To this day I still don't know why.

Why didn't people like me? Why was I the subject of their jokes? What had I done to them? Sure these questions still haunt me and I will never know why those kids never accepted me, but at least I don't care as much now. Because, today, I realised that these questions that swim in the back of my mind, are the very reason why socialising scares me. Why the very concept of saying 'hello' and introducing myself is terrifying and makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

I plan to face that fear starting today. Now I know why, I can stop the pattern. This stupid fear of not being accepted is irrational- based on something that happened when I was only a kid. Sure it was cruel at times and definitely unfair, but I am happy with the person I am today. That's probably why I'm not a bitter, cold and bitchy teenager now. My past has definitely gotten in the way...but as I said, I intend to change that. I deserve that much.

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

Isn't this perfect?

To, my friends and family...x

Thank you for being so amazing to me.

Thank you for treating me well.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm important to you.

Thank you for making me smile.

Thank you for making me laugh.

Thank you for being so phenomenally kind that I feel too lucky to have you.

Thank you for being my friend.

There are no words to express my gratitude for your existence in my life.

I love you.

Thank you, x

Bub-bye for now bloggers- and merry Christmas and a happy new year :)

I love you guys....x

The Internet.

So yesterday I started reading Girl Online by Zoe Sugg, i.e Zoella. I also read her blog post on why she stopped daily vlogging for December's vlogmas (i'm loving her book by the way, I recommend young teens to read it as it portrays many issues that teens encounter, but aren't necessarily addressed in day to day life and i believe a lot of young teens can relate to it).

It made me realise that I am lucky that i grew up with a tech-savvy father. I see children these days, usually my 11 year old sisters friends, walking around with iPhones and posting selfies and videos to facebook and instagram and all that fun social media...and it makes me sad because I know that these 10/11 year olds probably don't know that they are putting themselves at risk when they carelessly update another whiny facebook status about someone they don't like, or accepting friend requests from people they don't know. 

When i was 14 or 15 when i got my facebook profile, my parents sat me down and told me how to stay safe on the internet and not to add anyone i didn't know, so i did as they told me. There was one day that i changed my profile picture to one of my wearing a black vest top, no make-up (as per usual), glasses on, hair down...perfectly innocent. But what i fail to mention is that my hair dark brown and very long and this was a black and white picture of my head and shoulders. So it almost seemed as if i was topless (which i most certainly was not, as that is careless beyond belief and i am way to insecure to pull off a stunt like that), but at that point i hadn't realised so when my parents asked me to change my profile picture, i was confused but now i understand. 

This is what parents should be like with their children. Not enough parents or carers monitor their child's activities on social media and in my opinion this is part of the cause to cyberbullying. The internet can be a dark, scary place if you are unfamiliar to its communities. Cases like Amanda Todd's is perfect to demonstrate this, and just referencing her name brings me sadness...

Being internet smart and educated, i believe, is very important in today's society. This is why Zoe Sugg is and idol to me on the internet. She tells us in her blog post that she has been bombarded with hate, as well as people who she cares dearly about. This makes me sad, angry, frustrated and all round tired of people who can't just keep their negative thoughts and opinions to themselves. 

In my recent teenage years, i've been faced with A-levels and making massive decisions about my future and with this stress and huge work-load, comes anxiety. And panic attacks. And emotional fluctuation. And even more stress. And tiredness. And sadness...the list goes on. But when i started watching Zoe's videos, i came across her anxiety videos, and i have been obsessed with her ever since. Words cannot describe how appreciative and the amount of admiration i have for this girl. Her strength and confidence inspires me every day. Just typing this has brought tears to my eyes, because i know that she probably doesn't feel like she's an inspiration making videos and posting blog entries, while writing books and designing product lines. But she has helped me be a more positive and thoughtful person. 

Because of her sharing her life, with her 6 million subscribers, i have learned to surround myself with people who make you feel good about herself, to think positively even when you are having panic attacks and most importantly for me, how to live with anxiety.

Before watching her videos and reading her blogs, i knew of anxiety. I knew people who had anxiety, that kind of overshadowed my realisation...but her words made me stop doubting myself...which i tend to do a lot. She helped me cope.

I can never thank her enough. 

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Still not enough....

I hope one day i can meet her face to face and tell her how much i appreciate her and how much i love her. But for now, all i can hope is that by some miracle, she's sees this blog post. 

Love you Zoe<3

Bub bye for now bloggers :)