Reasons to stay alive.

I'm reading this book. That's why the title of this book is called what it is. I've never been suicidal don't worry. I've wished I've never existed before but that's different to wishing to kill yourself.

I have Anxiety.

It's just as weird typing that out as it is saying it out loud. It's strange to think that I'd suspected it so long and it turned out to be true. I cried when she said it...but I still have a phone call to make - I'd rather gouge my eyeballs out with a blunt rusty spoon.

I know this is all over the place but that's just where my heads at right now...but this book is speaking to me. Not so much with the deep dark depression but 90% of it I have felt before. I've never been able to put it into words before, so it's been very overwhelming to read this...

Sorry for this mess of a post...I just felt compelled to write it for some reason.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

we could all learn from Mr Haig...

 

Stay strong.

Twice in one day? I hear you say...yes, but this is something I really needed to vent about and I don't know how this is going to conclude but I hope I make a bit more sense of my head by the end of this.

Stay strong... this is a phrase I've heard since Demi Lovato came out of rehab...it sounds silly but I obsessed over this phrase. It became part of me. It came to me during a time of struggle, what with puberty and everything. But instead of finding the strength within myself as the phrase implies, I took strength from the phrase itself and used it as a shield...an excuse not to feel what I was truly feeling. A mask. To this day, everytime I take a shower I still feel the need to trace to saying into the steam on the shower door, to serve as a reminder not to be weak.

But what's so wrong with that? What's so wrong about showing weakness? What's so wrong about showing that you are human? 

I realised this today, watching a youtube video in which she told me to "stay strong" and that's when it clicked in my head. Sometimes I don't have to be strong because I am not invincible. None of us are. But we like to think we are, but we're all living a delusion. Sure, if we gave up stength we would be wasting our lives wallowing in our own grief and troubles and that is no life to live. But that isnt what I'm saying. 

I'm saying we need to be human. Allow ourselves to be weak sometimes. Because sooner or later our minds crack. It's all part of mental illness. I just wished I had realised this sooner.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

Just some food for thought...

Up....down.....up......down.......

This week has been weird, but I can't tell if it was in a good or bad way. For example, yesterday I was in one of my weirder moods for the first half of the day at uni and I had a great day with everyone. Then I came back to my flat.
Now this is where it all went downhill, and I have no idea why. I know that one of my flatmates were doing my head in but I'm not sure why it got to me so much and I just generally felt both sad and angry. I hate it when that happens, because I can't explain why it happens. It just does. 

I had to take a time out. It got that bad but I did my cool-off and I was presentable again. Still not back to normal but okay. I really wish these wouldn't happen because it means that I snap at people for no reason and I get immediately on the defensive when I don't even need to be. It sucks. 
I guess that will be something else I need to talk about....

Ugh, I genuinely hate my head. 

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

True dat. (sorry for saying true dat...)