feelings

so because i dont understand the said topic, i will post some quotes that i think apply to me...

yeah, because this makes sense...?
kind of...
yeap, me right now...
this is important, i'll try to do this more...
haha this did make me smile :)

i'm lucky enough to have this person in my life...

mind ramblings...

Most people in my life at the moment are precious to me, they help me day in day out and make an effort to make my day good without even realising that they're doing so. But i was talking to my closest friend yesterday and realised that our friendship group is slowly pulling apart into branches of seperate groups...this scares me a little, because its the first sign of independence for all of us but also signals the end of high school, where i met all these wonderful people.
I also had a weird dream last night- about prom. I wasnt sad then but i woke up crying because i wasnt sad in the dream because i know that deep down im probably not going to talk to many of my current friends once ive started college. It feels horrible saying that but i know its true and i hate that. 
There are some people though that i really hope to keep in touch with after high school, maybe even get to know better...
High school. The largest and most life-changing part of our insignificant lives. The period when you try to figure out who you are and what you want to do and go in life...i notice that the difficulty in these decisions varies between people, but for me it has been fairly simple. Ive always known what ive wanted to do in the future and the kind of person i was and who and what i liked. The one thing i have struggled the most with high school is the friends. Finding someone i can truly trust with everything i tell them, not like the first mistake i made that took me 3 years to realise i had made...no i have found my true friends, although it may have been later than i had liked, i have enjoyed every moment spent with them and i cant express how much i will miss these guys. They have been the ones that gave me the confidence i have now in myself, the great memories and inside jokes i have and happiness and laughter i have never experienced with anyone else.
I need to appreciate the people in my life more.
I love you guys, you may not be reading this but hey ho its out to the universe now. :)
Bub-bye bloggers.

you should know this by now...

what do you do when you cant get someone out of your head?

this needs to happen to me...

:)

i dont need words with you...

do you notice me?

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

i want this to be true....

Present- mehr... Future- hmmm...

Ok so the present isnt to appealing right now but i cant help but think what the future will be like for me...will it be good/bad/catastrophic?
I know i will be spending most of my life in education, but i cant think of life outside of being a vet. What about my social life? Will i ever have a family of my own? I think thats what scares me the most- being on my own. But it also scares me having someone so close to me. I'm going to have to get over this fear sooner rather than later because i cant have it both ways...

Very true...i hope it involves you...

damn school life....

So life is deciding to interrupt my blogging time so this shall be a short one. 
So im up to my ears in controlled assessments and exams so its becoming pretty stressful obviously, but you know what makes it better? Ice-cream. My friends took me out for ice-cream yesterday as a reward for our statistics controlled assessment and it was one of the greatest things ever! We're planning on doing it again even though we spent the whole evening 'dancing' and making duck/guck/goat and llama noises...
I love my friends...
I will do a more detailed blog on saturday and sunday and just so you know my weekday blogs will probably end up like this again because of commitments outside of school, but for now do enjoy this image...

I really want to like you...but im scared of what ill feel. I am looking forward to our lesson tomorrow though :D

promises...

I PROMISE i will blog properly tomorrow ive just been so busy but ill update that for you tomorrow, but for now admire the image below...

Actually love Tim Minchin, this song is also soo clever...

Teenagers...

Let me start off on something good and happy, i have a provisional place in my first choice college, so i now just need to get 5 gcse's at grade C and above. YAY! :D
But on a more serious note...Teenagers. Why do we all seem to think our problems are bigger than others? Why do people not realise that the problems they're suffering with are not rare and are probably happening to the person sitting next to them? This annoys me. It seems that these common teenage problems cloud peoples sight of others and their lives, it makes them unaware of the people around them. Im not saying this applies to all teenagers, OH NO, im saying that because were teenagers going through a LOT of life changes, we seem to forget everyone else and think that our problems are so much bigger than others because we dont talk to each other about them. We may grow out of it in the meantime but right now, its just a LITTLE thing that annoys me right now. We should appreciate what we have, while we still have it...
Another topic- LOVE. Recently ive listened to a lot of different love, and despite the fact that i am not experienced in this feeling or any feels to be honest, i know that i want to experience it sooner, rather than later. I dont know but right now im going through that nice getting to know someone stage and ive heardall these love songs talking about how love developes from friendship, but thats my problem i dont know the difference between them. Cant i have both with them? hmmm, i dont think they even want to be friends anyway so i dont think that it will go any further but for now, im REALLY enjoying my friday classes with said friend :)
 SO as i also mentioned before, ive been nominated by my form for the yearbook so far...

• Most likely to become a model
• Most likely to become a teacher(yeah drastic change i know...)
• Best legs

An one other i think but i cant remember it now. Anyway i shall leave now and maybe do some work, ill probably end up reading instead any i shall leave you with this long distance love song lyrics...

"Don't count the miles, count the "i love you"'s..."

- Christina Perri, 'Miles' 

BUB-BYE BLOGGERS :) or BBB if you prefer?

sorry.... :S

Hey im sorry i didnt blog yesterday but ive been incredibly busy with school work as i have previously stated and this post will be significantly shorter than the others, just a quick update i think imentioned that i was in a debating competition yesterday but if not, i was and WE WON! :D 
Anyway more good things have been happening to me and it would be nice to post a post with a happy subject so yes, tomorrow i shall blog properly, sorry for this extremely short post again, but do appreciate the image below :)
Bub-bye bloggers :)

Im following this from now on :)

Money, i dont have it :S

I have TOO many commitments that require money. It sucks. Birthdays, plays, school mainly but i think i may have to do a lot of work for my parents to earn all of this money.
It sucks not having money.
I love my friends though, they always make me smile and laugh even if i have 10 million assessments in one day. 
Also in other news, im in the debating team at school and tomorrow we shall be in the semi-finals for the debating trophy. Part of me is really excited about it because we are a good teamm, but im also pretty nervous, naturally, as this involves talking infront of a very large crowd. 
Anyway, im sorry that this post was short and sweet, but ive got to sleep as i woke up late today.

Just some thoughts on education that are pretty true...

hello (for the second time today)...

Hey readers,
i hope today has treated you well, i know i feel much better today than yesterday, but im not particularly looking forward to tomorrow because i have a LOT to do. Thats never fun. 
Anyway, i dont know what i did yesterday to get soo many pageviews but its nice to know that there are people out there that are reading my honest yet pointless thoughts and feelings. Feel free to comment at any time :)
I had a thought today. I hope people like me as a person. Ive been told that im always nice and that im too nice for my own good, but the people they come from are biased because they're my friends. Anyway, i hope i give off a good first impression, especially since i have an interview for college this friday, because i would like to know if there are any improvements i can make to myself to be a better person. I know i should be happy with who i am now, and i am, but if there is a way that i could make others happy then that would make me happy, because i like making others smile. It really makes my day.
A final thought for today was my statement that will go in the yearbook next to my school picture. It has a 50 word limit, but i dont have a clue what to say. Im not special, and i know only few people will remember me after highschool, but id like to think that i could sum myself up easily in 50 words but im honestly stumped at what to write.
I hope i can stay positive for tomorrow, as i have also realised that there are more people supporting me in this stressful time than i had originally thought and that made me relax a little...

I shall leave you with these song lyrics from one of my favourite artist EVER!

"Hello, is anybody listening? Let go! As everyone lets go of me. Ah oh, wont somebody tell me that im not alone..."

 -Kelly Clarkson, 'Hello'

 

hey!

I promise i will do a blog post later but i just had to show you this, its soo true...

I wonder if any does like me...i wonder...probably not but hey i can dream ;)

Soo many bad things...

Okk so today was horrible, the only thing that kept me through was listening to happy music and talking to one of my friends all day, preventing me from ripping my hair out...
Talking to my friend about random stuff was nice because i didnt have to think about what was going on around me- The same with music really...But we talked about debating, mothers day, a friends 
birthday that will be coming up shortly after mine and just random stuff like a zombie apocalypse.
These may sound like small silly things to anybody else but they really helped calm me down and realise there is a point to life, and its never long enough, so im enjoying things while they last. 
I dont know how much more of this i can take though, im not happy at school or at home, so what now? what do i do? where do i go? 
I know this was a short and bitter post but i wasnt really in the mood for anything else so i would like to share with you a song that helped me through today...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLOMvPC1EzQ 

i hope you enjoy it...

 

most likely to become a model? HA! no.

From the title you can maybe guess what todays post will be about. Basically im a year 11 student who is close to finishing high school, so around this time we start getting leavers huddies and creating the yearbook.
In this yearbook you have several statements that our year have to ellect a person to match it, for example, most likely to become a millionaire, the bod of a god and, as the title suggests, most likely to become a model...
In my previous post, if i remember rightly, i mentioned that i cant take compliments and conviently just after i posted that i got told that poeople have suggested that i should be in that category in the yearbook, so im becoming worried that i may be nominated for this. Even though i extremely appreciate the compliment as it does help my already low self-esteem, i dont think that being a model is a good job for both your mental and physical health. The job itself  can be soo demanding and people will always judge and tell you that you arent good enough for some things and i dont think that is a lifestyle that anyone one should have, no one should be told that they're not good enough at or for something.
But i do appreciate the thoughts behind it, that they think im pretty and could be capable of being as pretty as them. But to be honest, i dont see how they can come to that conclusion...

I can admit that i have wanted to be someone else, but not anymore-They dont have nearly as much fun as me ;)

 

international womens day, hmmm

From the title you can see that today is an important day for women, although there wasnt really anything different but hey ho...
Anyways, this week has probably been the worst. I didnt get anything i wanted done at all, which sucks because ive only got a maximum of two weeks to do things. To add on top of this i've also got an eye infection. Oh how life treats me soo well...
I'm not going to ramble on for long tonight because, 1) i'm tired as i had to wake up stupidly early today and 2) i dont really have much to talk about. My day was mainly made up of assessmts and coursework that is becoming difficult to handle, therefore i nearly cried twice today.
But i got home and decided i needed to chill out before i do any work.
I'm sorry i didnt have much to update on, although the next couple of days may be fairly similar. Anyway, have a nice weekend guys, i hope your weekend is better than mine is going to be.

When i try to be myself around you, it comes out wrong and seems like a cry for help...sorry :(

Disbelief...

3 great things happened today;

• I did my final ever science exam.
• We sorted out prom transport, FINALLY!
• I got my English, Business and geography results.

1. My physics exam went really well today, i didnt really get stuck on any question and i answered every single one, so i genuinely cant wait till those results.
2. After many suggestions and debate we managed to organise transport for prom. This didnt make excited at all because well i HATE prom! I've never wanted to go and i still dont and the only reason im going is because i love my friends and they're the only reason the night will be worthwhile.
3. Finally, the best thing, i got 3 gcse results today Business, English and Geography and i got B, A and A respectively. Im so proud of myself and my friends because they all did so well and i think its safe to say that we lived up to the name 'nerd herd'. 

Well up until now the day had been great, but then my little brother and sister decided to argue over something too stupid to say. My mum tried to stop them but she went it about the wrong way and ended up making things worse than they should have been and my brother left the house to which i had to follow him and reason with him. After about a 20 minute walk/talk i managed to get through to my brother and managed to get everything close to normal again. All i had to do was talk to him as an equal and not as if i was better than him.
Anyway, after that i have done some geography and english and im trying not to think about things to deeply. Meg stopped me from losing my control over my anger, but i cant help but think about what could have happened if i hadnt done anything....
Anyways i shall not think about that otherwise ill cry so i will leave on a happy quote or picture...

I have also decided this...

Bricks and wall metaphors :D

Ok, so i have been revising for physics today and i realised that reading through my revision guide, i found myself enjoying the read(?). I dont know if i will remember everything, but it was nice that revising didnt feel like an chore that i was obligated to do. But the exam is tomorrow, hopefully it will be alright.
Okk so recently i have had todevelope a strong wall that holds back my anger and frustration towards one person. They are usually the source of my frustration, but i choose to not let them get to me-That is what the wall is for.
On the other end of the scale there are people like my closest friend, Meg, she helps me through everything and im going to prom in a taxi with her, she the only reason this prom will be worth-while and bearable.
Ive also noticed something about people (mainly that girl friends) in my group. They always compliment me about my 'willowy figure' and that im 'too pretty'. One thing you should know about me is that i cant take compliments well. Mainly because i never really recieved any till the middle of year 10 so i never knew how to respond: I still dont know how. But as much as girls would apperently die to have a figure like mine and would love to have my looks, i cant help but think that my friends dont actually noticed me as a person anf myy personality and more my looks. I'm not perfect  and im definitely not as pretty as these people make me out to be, mainly because they are biased because they're my friends, but i'd much rather my friends compliment my personality rather than my looks, because i actually try to have a good personality and be a good person but clearly this is not noticed because its not materialistic...
Im not by any means saying my friends are materialistic im just saying that im not noticed for the right reasons...
But on a more positive note i have my college interview next friday and im so relieved that it finally came as that was another thing that was rattling around in my head and causing me to break a little more inside.
I also get many exam and resit results tomorrow which im a bit nervous about but its nice to know that i wont have to worry about those again after tomorrow.
Slowly losing each brick weighing me down. Next two: Physics exam and exam/resit results.
I will update you on the occurances of tomorrow and how these next 2 brick removals went , but for now here is a quote that you may have noticed by now is becoming very regular thing, i hope you readers like them. Bub-bye for now readers! :)

I shall do this from now on...

Chemistry. Done.

Hey bloggers,
As promised i will be updating you on the chemistry exam that i had today and well to sumarise i would say: "it could have been worse, but it could have also been better"
I will explain. It started off well, the first 5 questions out of the 9 went quickly and i had done those within 20 minutes, but then it went downhill from there onwards. Every calculation made me stumble and because of that i lost confidence in myself, therefore i panicked and thought negatively and just generally freaked out. Although, because it has appeared to be harder than some of the past papers ive done in class, im hoping the grade boundaries will be low.
Got to think positvely about it or not at all.
However, something else happened today. I felt extremely guilty because i pratically crumbled the perfect image one of my friends had of our friendship group. Like any other friendship group, we are slightly disfunctional, we all have the classic teenage issues along with some serious ones that require more proffessional help rather than our tedious, cliche kind of help. But this friend had this idea that we were perfect and none of us could do wrong, but she overheard me and one of my other friends talking about and issue in the group and it made her sad. The reason it made her as sad as it did was because we are the only reason and the only source of her happiness according to her, so essentially by blemishing her perfect image of us i had caused her to doubt her existence and that made me feel really horrible and i didnt know what to say or do after that because i dont know her well enough to know how to cheer her up.
So even though that put a downer to the day, i was cheered up as my friends are planning a birthday meal for me and it made me feel appreciated. Despite this though i cant help but think negatively about certain aspects of it, but i will not go into that because i will end up ranting even more and i dont think i can type for much longer...
Anyways, they were just some of the most prominant events of the day. Overrall i think it went ok.
Tomorrow i guess im going to have to talk about something meaningful, hmmm....

For now here is something meaningful now to help brighten your day.

Just think about it, why waste time, no one ever has enough of it...

 

GRRRRRR......

Why must people insist on annoying me to the point where i cant keep my anger bottled in for long enough? 
 There are certain people on this earth that i believe only exist to both ignore me entirely but cause the most rage in my life, if that makes any sense...
Anyway this certain person, who i shall name...ummm...idiot, has succeeded in making me angry to the point of whole-body-trembling. 
Even though getting this off my chest would do me a great deal of good, i feel like if i do end up rannting about it, i will do something i regret and end up hurting someone and even though i strongly dislike this person, i would never intend on hurting their feelings for my own venting session.
SO i guess im going to suffer in silence for now, i can do this!
pfftt, motivation-i dont have this.

"What you see is not always what you get..."

-This is true of many people, me in a good way, 'idiot' in a bad way.

Hopefully, tomorrow i will be in a happier mood and i shall also update you on my chemistry exam that i have tomorrow. I feel moderately prepared, but hopefully it will all go awesomely and ill ace it because i can be intelligent if i try :D

And....vent.

okk so my day started off well and as usual, was ruined by petty arguements occuring between me and my brother. I fully understand this is COMPLETELY expected between siblings, but he doesnt fully understand the rage it churns inside me and i dont know how to get it out, so im afraid one day i will just burst and end up hurting someone and therefore not being able to be forgiven. This of course would be completely out of character for me, so this further extends my worry because i can imagine who and what would happen if i ever did burst. 
The other day i got angry enough to punch a wall the day before my biology exam, which didnt turn out well for me as i ended up having to do the exam with bruised knuckles...but i did find this to be an effective way to vent my anger and also to distract me from it. 
I think i have trust issues. Or should i say a mild case of it anyway, because its not at the point where i cant trust anyone, its the fact that i only trust one person in my life with everything. But that worries me, because the more i open up to people the more i want to build the mental wall up and push them away. As ive mentioned before: I have very little brain space for myself these days. So, the more i share these thoughts and that space, the less i have for myself and i just cant cope with that, it feels like mental claustriphobia and i cant handle that. 
(If you readers understood any of the above paragraph i think you should win an award....or well at least a pat on the back)
If you didnt understand that, ill tell you this: I was in a 'relationship' (which lasted only 4 days because of this reason) that was absolutely fine, it has been my first and only 'relationship' so far. (I'm using the word 'relationship' in the loosest possible term) He was a nice guy and treated me perfectly and he knew that he was my first 'boyfriend', but i started to panic because i could feel him taking over my life and becoming the centre of my attention and i got scared and had to end it. I was fighting to keep that space- and losing. To this day, i wish i hadnt hurt him like that and i completely regret it. If i could go back and change anything it would have been to 1)talk to him about it 2) got to know this person properly beforehand and finally 3) have been braver and more confident in myself.
For anyone reading this, i hope you know that you dont have to share this mental maze that im going through, but i would like to take a second to appreciate the time you spend reading these ramblings, for lack of a better word.
And if any of my friends are somehow reading this; if i try to push you away or block you out please stop me, please pester me because i feel lonely sometimes because of this. I dont know what i would do without you guys. Thankyou.

.....well that escalated quickly.....

Anyway, again, bub-bye for now readers :)

Never been so true until now...

Feels.

I had a great night last night! Had a meal with most of my friends, hosted by 2 of them and had a cluedo-esque theme and i loved it (not just because i was the murderer) both the food and the theme was great and they put soo much effort into that i night and i cant put into words just how much i love and appreciate these guys, i dont feel like i deserve these guys in my life, but while im still in their lives, i will NOT take it for granted. 
I am genuinely speechless (or typeless in this sense) and i could never express my feelings about it and them ever: 1) i am terrible with feelings, i dont know which one is which and 2) it was way too good to put into words. So i feel like anything i say will not be good enough.

Thankyou Nerd Herd! (FYI, this is the nickname for our group)

Anyway, i have been ever so slightly annoyed/scared/upset (i dont know!) recently but i think that this post should be entirely positive, so i may save my reasons for these feels for another post.
But for now, i shall part. Bub-bye for now readers.

"It's been a while since everyday and everything has felt this right..."

- Avril Lavigne, 'Smile'

I'm sorry...

Let me start with one thing. I am TERRIBLE with organisation of events outside of school. I know this because of; 1) When raising money for gambia i only raised £300 out of the £1,500, 2) i never plan days outside of school with my friends because of this and 3) even when i think ive done eveything right, i will have always left something out.
Like today, i've never felt so useless and stupid in my whole life, i cant even organise where im getting changed before a meal. Im sorry.
But you should know that im not good with things like this, its not as if you havent known me long enough to know. 
Maybe, no one really knows me at all. You know what i dont really care, when someone can actually make an effort to ask, then i will reciprocate that and put in as much effort, but until then i'm sorry. Not because i messed up, but because you didnt know me enough to know that would happen. 
Maybe we could all learn from this? 

I'm aware there is a punctuation mistake, but the quote itself is true.

 

Appreciation.

A friend of mine said something to me yesterday that got me thinking. She said, 'people dont appreciate you enough, but i do, you are my lifesaver and i dont know what i would do without you' this genuinely made me cry a little, but it actually made me realise that she is right. I help people day in, day out, but the favour is never really returned. Only by a select few- this person and few friends i have outside of my friendship group.
I wish i was appreciated more by my friends but were all knee deep in our own issues. SO how come, me and this friends managed to look after ourselves, each other AND the rest of the group, why do we never get this back in return? 
To be honest if i was someone else this may bother them, but because of my personality, i dont particularly care that im not being looked after or coddled within the group because i dont care about myself i care more about others, and this will soon come back and haunt me when im on my own in the big world we call earth.
Well, all in due time eh? 

hmmm, this made me think...