And....vent.

okk so my day started off well and as usual, was ruined by petty arguements occuring between me and my brother. I fully understand this is COMPLETELY expected between siblings, but he doesnt fully understand the rage it churns inside me and i dont know how to get it out, so im afraid one day i will just burst and end up hurting someone and therefore not being able to be forgiven. This of course would be completely out of character for me, so this further extends my worry because i can imagine who and what would happen if i ever did burst. 
The other day i got angry enough to punch a wall the day before my biology exam, which didnt turn out well for me as i ended up having to do the exam with bruised knuckles...but i did find this to be an effective way to vent my anger and also to distract me from it. 
I think i have trust issues. Or should i say a mild case of it anyway, because its not at the point where i cant trust anyone, its the fact that i only trust one person in my life with everything. But that worries me, because the more i open up to people the more i want to build the mental wall up and push them away. As ive mentioned before: I have very little brain space for myself these days. So, the more i share these thoughts and that space, the less i have for myself and i just cant cope with that, it feels like mental claustriphobia and i cant handle that. 
(If you readers understood any of the above paragraph i think you should win an award....or well at least a pat on the back)
If you didnt understand that, ill tell you this: I was in a 'relationship' (which lasted only 4 days because of this reason) that was absolutely fine, it has been my first and only 'relationship' so far. (I'm using the word 'relationship' in the loosest possible term) He was a nice guy and treated me perfectly and he knew that he was my first 'boyfriend', but i started to panic because i could feel him taking over my life and becoming the centre of my attention and i got scared and had to end it. I was fighting to keep that space- and losing. To this day, i wish i hadnt hurt him like that and i completely regret it. If i could go back and change anything it would have been to 1)talk to him about it 2) got to know this person properly beforehand and finally 3) have been braver and more confident in myself.
For anyone reading this, i hope you know that you dont have to share this mental maze that im going through, but i would like to take a second to appreciate the time you spend reading these ramblings, for lack of a better word.
And if any of my friends are somehow reading this; if i try to push you away or block you out please stop me, please pester me because i feel lonely sometimes because of this. I dont know what i would do without you guys. Thankyou.

.....well that escalated quickly.....

Anyway, again, bub-bye for now readers :)

Never been so true until now...