It's been a while since I've done this so you'll have to excuse my bad grammar or spelling or just general broken sentences/thoughts. University has almost lead to a sort of PTSD to writing on my laptop so bringing myself to do this has been a challenge for a while. So as I've already kind of insinuated there, university has so far been one of the hardest forms of personal growth and realisation that I've ever had to go through and what has persuaded me to actually write this is the fact that today marked the start of mental health awareness week. So here we go...
I believe I've been suffering with anxiety since I moved up to secondary school, which is understandable for the most part because you're a little 11 year old going up to a big strange place you've never been too before - of course you're going to be a little anxious. But mine was made a little worse by the fact that I was one of only 3 people from my primary school to go up to this secondary school (which in hindsight was only a good thing for me considering a lot of my anxiety is rooted from primary school) and the fact that I had always been an introverted kid anyway. Even back in nursery, in which me and my teddy - which I still have to this day! - would play together alone, because that's how we liked it. Anyway, I didn't know that my constant sweaty palms, laboured breath, self-depricating thoughts, lack of concentration, nervous compulsive scratching habits were anything associated with anxiety. To me they were normal, but through what I now recognise as mentally abusive "friendships" I actually learned that what I was feeling wasn't necessarily normal and that it could be changed, so I guess even though those toxic people sucked they did start the ball rolling with finding help.
They were a double-edged sword though. The same people who made me realise it was anxiety, were the same people that made it all worse. By the time I wanted to go get actual professional help one of the girls that caused me all the anxiety was in too close a proximity to where I could find help. It sounds stupid now, but I couldn't even look at her without feeling sick to my stomach with nerves and fear. And so I tried the self-help route. I was already fairly well-versed in the world of mental health because of friends that had suffered with anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar etc...and so especially when it came to panic attacks I was very good at knowing when they were coming and how to manage them safely. When it came to depressive or general panicky thoughts was where there was a hole in my knowledge. I could help my friends and give them comforting words and advice and just a hand to hold that seemed to help them but at this point in my life I was so panicky and trapped in my own head that I had isolated myself from almost everyone close to me. I dread to think what my fellow college-goers thought of that Emily but what does that matter now eh? So as college progressed, education got a lot harder for me to understand, friendships became less meaningful to me, panic attacks were rolling into my chest almost everyday and more importantly I never had many happy days. One of my biggest regrets (I know I shouldn't regret but I am kicking past Emily for being so oblivious with this) was attaching my little ounce of happiness I gained to this crush I had. My world revolved around that person and oh my god did I learn my lesson to stop doing that after our friendship was forgotten after he got a girlfriend. It was then my current ethos of 'friendships are always temporary' began.
I decided during this time that I couldn't really rely on anyone including myself for happiness or stability and so initiated one of the loneliest periods of my life. I guess this was also the start of the first big depressive episodes. The problem with hindsight for me now on this period of my life, is that I genuinely cannot pinpoint a happy time I had in my two years at college. I know there are some somewhere but I can't remember because they're shrowded in sadness and panic. I can tell you that I had to face people who made me feel like scum in primary school everyday, I was massively insecure about my appearance now that I could wear my own clothes and makeup, I had to walk past the girl who isolated me from the world and made me believe that all my friends actually hated me and in turn made me hate them for no reason, I had to watch the guy I was too scared to tell that I liked fall for another girl, I got told I was never going to get the grades I needed to be a vet and that I should reconsider my life choices and in turn crushed my academic confidence into the dirt which resulted in the worst exams of my life, so if I'm supposed to look at that experience positively I politely ask that you accept that there are some periods in life that sometimes we just need to accept were a badly dealt hand meant to teach us some bloody big life lessons.
So after the two worst years of my life so far, I was now about to move to one of the most well known cities on earth, London, to do a degree I never wanted to do and never knew existed until 6 months prior to starting the course. We are not off to a good start to this period of my life. BUT despite this, I was actually going to university with a healthy mindet that I was going to finally push myself out of my comfort zone, make friends, have new experiences and make the most of a shit past. Come on Em, everyone struggles time to make a new impression and finally become the person you want to be. Extroverted, funny, calm and collected and happy.
*spoiler alert* I was nowhere near happy. *spoiler alert*
However, I can pinpoint happy things from this experience. As I draw close to graduation now, I've gone through a lot of personal growth. I have made new friends, however I have lost more friends than I've gained. I got screwed over by another emotionally abusive "friendship" which I could identify before things got really bad luckily. I thought I had gained a 'soulmate' in the form of a best friend but again that got lost to a relationship he managed to find himself in. But just at the right time someone from my past came back - someone I least expected. He knows I'm glad he did, it felt like for the first time in my life it was good timing. He came along at a point where I felt the most alone. I mean I could sing that kids praises all day long but thats not what this is about. This brings me to one of the biggest parts of this journey...I started CBT not long after our friendship started and I think the combination of having a friend I feel like I can truly always turn to when in need and a professional providing an understanding of my mental vicious cycles, I feel like I'm making actual progress.
I still don't believe friendships are permanent. People come and go and I have yet to experience anything different. My point is, that I have a lot of work to do on my mental health and I saw a woman on twitter say what I've always said in person. Mental health awareness week is all well and good but awareness should be 24/7 and should be offline as well as online. We all have a mental health that falters every now and then and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. Always ask for help people. Please. Or help others if you notice something doesn't seem quite right, you never know it might save a life...A simple friendly conversation can make a world of difference amidst what feels like a lifetime of hopeless loneliness. And who knows that friendly conversation could become a close friendship and maybe if you're lucky they'll stay but who knows? Right now I'm in a bit of a weird patch. My anxiety is okay but my depression is bad. But we take each day as it comes. I can't keep dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. I need to stay in the now. But I'll let you know how that goes.
Bub-bye peeps<3
