Yet another damn feelings post...

It's a running theme on this blog, that I assume no one reads but me, that I am utterly useless when it comes to feelings. I never know what emotion is filling my head and making me act the way I do and I sometimes never know what or how to feel about someone, and I've lived like this my whole life.
No joke.
It's only recently I've figured out who my best friends are and who I need in my life, rather than who do I need to look after...anyways. All of these thoughts have resurfaced since I've met this guy. Now I know I spoke about my high school/college crush I had for like 3 years on this blog, and I'm pretty certain that he was perfect for me, but I had to move on because he found a girl who was perfect for him; a girl I can definitely agree better suited him than me. My point about him was that eventually after the second year of knowing him, I was certain my feelings were close to that of love. Sure, that's probably pretty presumptuous considering I never dated him but just let me have this one. So, moving onto current time. I've met a guy I really like. In fact his personality is similar to that of the last guy, but obviously this is different and I'm not trying to replace the first guy. BUT, here's the thing: I have no idea what to feel right now. I DO know I'm terrified. We've both admitted we like each other and he knows I'm not good with feelings, but I don't think he understands the full extent to which this goes. I guess I'm scared that he'll get bored of waiting for me to figure it out and move on, but in a way I think we're in the same position. I just don't want to hurt him.
I will not let him be hurt by my naivety.
I just need to take things slow...because that's just how long it takes for me to feel. It sucks I know, but I don't want to give up quite yet. I don't want to run away.
Please don't let me run away.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

couldn't really put it better myself...

University.

So.
I'm an adult now and I can't quite believe I'm at this stage in my life.
I'm living alone. Well with 6 other flatmates, but you know what I mean. Actually living.
I'm managing my own finances...barely. Cooking for myself. Cleaning. Washing. Travelling. All on my own and I cant help but feel an overwhelming sense of pride.
I've made it.
I know its not exactly easy right now...but I'm living and that's all that matters.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

this quote spoke to me...

Done.

I finished college. Forever. I'm now going to university in September. In London. What? When? How?

I'm just so happy.

When my thoughts are more coherent, i'll come back to this but until now i will just leave you with a quote as usual.

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

perfection.

Fake it till you make it.

I never believed this phrase "fake it till you make it", but I guess that was because I was to scared to "fake" anything...scared of hurting myself in the process.

I've spoken a lot before about being an anxious, and it always gets in the way of life. It has meant that I've only ever been able to apply for jobs online, and those applications are always much harder, longer and tedious to do, but I thought that as long as I could get through to an interview, I would be able to fake confidence and get the job.

And guess what? I've gone and done just that haven't I? 

Words can't describe how proud I am of myself, and it was made even better that I made my parents proud too. I think they knew that, that was a big milestone for me to do and now I just can't wait to start.

So if you feel like you can't do something but are determined to get there, remember;
Fake it till you make it.
You can get there and you will, okay? Okay.

Feeling like a strong independent women today. 

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

Let this be your mantra for life!

Fever

The boiling anger that resides in me, simmers just below the surface.

Threatening to tear down the barriers, my icy coolness takes over.

Better to hide my feelings then upset others with my opinions.

I hate hurting people, but I wish they would accept me for who I am.

But I can’t expect them to accept me if they don’t know who I am.

The idea of opening up

Brings that fever again.

replace you with i

Endings.

I always find endings dissatisfying. Even the most wonderful, horrific, perfect, disgusting, truthful, perilous endings just make me feel numb.
The concept of an ending brings a numb feeling with a tinge of awareness.
The end of the year. The end of a book. The end of a school year. The end of a film. The end of a tub of ice cream. 
Its as if my mind doesn't accept the concept. In a perpetual state of denial. 

It's both a blessing and a curse. 

Blessing: I dont suffer the same mourning process that involves crying and/or reminiscing the events of the past.
Curse: I eventually come to terms with it a couple of weeks later, and by that time everyone else is over it and im left to cope on my own. 

Blessing: I can have a non-biased view and opinion on things that others may feel passionately opinionated on. A open mind.
Curse: It means i am susceptible to manipulation. Something i have been victim to from 'friends'...memories i try to supress.

Blessing: I can provide empathy and support to others who need it.
Curse: No one is there for me when i need it, because it comes too late and sucluded from the eyes of onlookers.

I think this all came about from me finishing college. I have this sense of disbelief. Im not too sure what to feel, and i dont think it will dawn on me for quite a while.

Bub-bye for now bloggers.<3

honestly one of my favourite quotes ever...ive probably already posted this before but whatever. I wont care if you dont.

Nearing the end.

So it's nearly over. College. Only 2 years of my life, but it felt like forever.

I am scared though, of the next stage. University.

Although, on the plus side I get to have a relaxing care-free summer for the first time in 4/5 years.

That's it. I'm scared, excited, relieved, worried. I'm just a big mix of emotions right now.

Anyways bub-bye for now bloggers<3

I love metaphors.

Pushing Limits.

There are times where I decide I should reach outside of my comfort zone and I've always been proud of me doing so. However, a couple months ago my parents decided, not me, that I needed to start driving lessons and I will be honest, this is one of the things that has always petrified me. I have always been more of a biker girl.

But after about 10-12 lessons my confidence went up slightly because I was doing well and dare I say, enjoying the drive. But for the last 2 weeks I have had to miss lessons because of exams and my holiday, so the other getting into the car was like I was back at the beginning again. My confidence was gone. I felt like I had just taken a massive step back from my confident steps forward.

I have another lesson at 1pm today. I keep telling myself that its going to be fine, but my mind works in weird ways and I don't know how to tame the nerves anymore. Being in the midst of exam season too isn't helping much seeing as im trying to balance revision for 7 exams.

But I'll be fine right? yeah...I'll be fine...

Bub-bye for now bloggers.

guess I have to try this out...

Hope.

What does that mean to you?

Trying your best.
Letting faith decide your path.
Burning out just to get the best results.
Holding onto a single thread.
Not swaying from your choices.
Making other options available.

To me, hope is useless. Trust in yourself and your abilities is what you need.

Personally, I believe that great results is proportional to great effort and efficiency.

That's my plan. What's yours?

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

truth.

Its that time again.

So...im nearly 18.
Nearly an adult.
I'm just going to let that sink in for a second...

ARGHHHH!

Where did the time go? Why is the world so cruel? I wish it hadn't have come so quickly.

But on a serious note, I can tell that I am nearly an adult. I have; driving lessons, final exams, uni applications, a bank account and a job possibly....
This is some scary stuff...but I'm looking forward to another great exciting year of life. This time last year I did a general picture post and its one of my most viewed posts so I guess I thought I would do that again and see what happens.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3



I really like this one...

this is quite morbid to be fair but it did open my eyes...

goals.

I feel like ive posted this before...xD

hmmm....

Last one<3



life motto.

Love you guys...wish me luck for the big ol' 18 ;)

And so it begins...

I have these phases where I am super motivated...Recently has been one of those phases. Its now 2 months till the first of my final exams and i'm thinking you may have some soon too so I want to share some quotes that help motivate me at these times.

this is a big thing for me...I push myself so hard and the results are soo rewarding and worthwhile...

pretty self explanatory...stop procrastinating!

omg yes don't complain if you didn't put any freakin' effort in...

do NOT be afraid to fail...its only human and you can LEARN  from your mistakes...don't let it knock you down

you may hate it now, but it will honestly be so rewarding, and I don't know about you, but I cant wait c:

I hope this helped in some way, and if you are stressed out with exam revision, let me tell you know...
It's going to be okay, you can only try your best and I believe in YOU :)

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

#DearMe

So right now you have probably just started at High school. You’re scared…you’re lonely….but believe it or not, you are full of potential.

I know you still don’t understand why those kids at Primary school bullied you or weren’t very open to your presence, but rest assured you go to college with them now and don’t worry, you are doing SOO much better than them, and let me tell you that’s a pretty damn good feeling.

But you already knew that, and sooner rather than later you’re going to be an adult. Alone in the world. Hopefully in the city (FYI YOU GOT THE OFFER FOR YOUR DREAM UNI, now you just need the grades and don’t worry, you’re already on your way) but there is something I want you to know.

I need you to know that you can do WHATEVER you set your mind to, be it driving, getting your grades, socialising…all scary I know but you can do it because guess what? I am living proof of that and I can tell you that those accomplishments have just made you grow more and more into what you want to be right now in such a significant step in your life.

Grades are a massive importance in your life right now, I know, but it isn’t living if you don’t have anyone to spend some of your free time with…Friends. I’ll tell you now, you’re gonna make some pretty terrible friend choices soon but don’t worry the friends you have now were so worth the wait. AND you are going to make soo many more in uni. I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to see you blossom into a mature young women…even if it does come sooner than it does for others. Also, I should add that you are still weird, so don’t worry you’re never gonna give that up and luckily for you, you have friends to be like that around now…you may not believe that now because you believe it’s better to be on your own in the library with your infinite number of friends you have in the book universe, but you WILL make friends. My only wish is that you would have realised that sooner.

Right now, its 1 month away till your 18^th birthday. Now even I don’t know what will happen in the future for us, and as scary as that is, I can’t wait to see it. Don’t worry about boys or grades or other people’s opinions right now. I know you are good at that anyway but it will probably become a concern soon, but please don’t let it get to you…I still worry now but I don’t let it get to me anymore and it has left so much room for everything else now.

Take care of YOU Emily. Believe in yourself. Listen to all the Taylor Swift you need.

But please, please, please know that you are beautiful, amazing, and talented and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

Love, Emily…xx

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

How beautiful is that?

emotions...

Besides the fact that I'm socially awkward and uncomfortable voicing my opinions for the fear of not being able to word it right or of what other people will think (I know I shouldn't care, but everyone cares and everyone is aware ok?), I still don't like voicing my opinions for others because their mine you know? I'm quite aware that what I think will be different to someone else's thoughts and I'm all for a good healthy debate...but sometimes those debates are misconstrued and are blown completely out of proportion and the media is a bitch for this...oh hey there was an opinion.

It has gotten to a point in society however that ANYTHING you say can be misinterpreted or twisted in a way to sound negative.

You can never please EVERYONE.

Personally, I think it better if I just listen to others and nod every now and then and have my own internal debate...that way no one can be hurt.

In some ways I guess this isn't healthy and there are some things that DEFINITELY need talking about openly; equality, sexual abuse/consent, topical issues...to name a few. But this is me, and I'm doing just fine the way I am...

At least I think I am :)

Bub-bye for now bloggers xx

just a thought...

Update.

I'm learning to drive. Yeap. Me. Emily. One of the clumsiest people in the world is learning to drive. I hate it right now. I nearly had a panic attack behind the wheel while I was driving. How my dad trusted me to do that I'll never know.
But somehow its given me the burst of confidence. Just because I got scared and panicky, it doesn't change the fact that I drove a car yesterday.

Again, I achieved goal 3 from my last post. I was well and truly terrified. But I'm definitely glad I did it...

Here's to another lesson I guess...lets hope I don't die.

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

not really no but i'll do it anyway...

My goals

I had a few BIG goals this year all to do with my future career that were extremely difficult in ways to achieve because in life there are no guarantees. They were as follows;

1. get into my first choice university with at least a conditional offer
2. get my first proper job that earns money
3. do things that LITERALLY scare you
4. learn about how to live alone

So far, I have achieved number 1 and 3. I am so incredibly happy this week. I just feel like for once the universe is on my side...and knowing my luck I've probably just jinxed it...but yes, I have a conditional offer from the my best and favourite uni, meaning all I have to do now is work hard and get the grades. As for 3, socialising is a big, scary thing for me and it isn't easy for me to do. But this week has been a big one in the eyes of socialisation. I've spoken to people I don't know and I've opened up and become more welcoming to others which is something I SERIOUSLY lacked.
Because I feel like scaring myself more after that adrenaline rush (dramatic but true) I decided to start looking for jobs, so hopefully I will have a 3rd ticked off by the end of this month...this is all scary stuff guys.
I feel like setting these kinds of goals is extremely important because even though some of hem can be extremely extravagant, it feels x100 better than if you achieved 'eat less unhealthy foods' and personally I feel really proud and accomplished.
I'm really starting to grow up now and i'm slowly fitting into my own personality. Maybe you should set yourself some goals today. record them. plan them. achieve them. I cannot express how great this feeling is...
I think teenage Emily would be proud of 2015 Emily...x

bub-bye for now bloggers<3

 

Teenage Emily.

I'm nearly 18. You know? The age that you become classed as a legal adult?
This. Thought. Is. Absolutely. Terrifying.
So in an attempt to 'recapture' shall I say, my youth I decided to read back on some of my old blog posts. And I think its safe to say that I was the worlds most unstereotypical teenager EVER. I mean, sure, I was trying to 'figure myself out and who my real friends were' (of which, may I add, I know are real now), but I think I really did figure out some pretty serious stuff that I had actually forgotten about.

I'm a much better judge of character now. I noticed that I mentioned this "1 true friend who I could tell EVERYTHING to" back then, and let me tell you that she didn't turn out to be who I thought she was. She was pulling the wool over my eyes. But im not going to go into that again, because I am well and truly over her.

I was also hung up on my feelings towards this one guy. Truth be told, I still don't know if I liked him seriously, but I'm guessing that it was probably just a crush. I don't talk to him as much anymore, which makes me sad because I do miss him but I guess there's a time to move on and that time is now.

There was also that massive thing in my life called STRESS. Yeah, that still most certainly has not disappeared and I'm still not great at dealing with it, but at least im still trying. I wont give up on trying to stop the stress ball from rolling down the hill.

The final thing is the lack of knowledge in the feelings department. so basically just never knowing what im really feeling. I guess this has gotten better but I will still confuse myself every now and then. But again, this is something that im still working on.

I admire 15 year old Emily. She was wise at times and she knew she had issues that needed fixing and in some ways she was better at coping than I am right now. And because of her, I'm not as scared of the future anymore. I can make friends. I can be confident. I can achieve. I can be myself. Above all of that, I can cope. Through everything that has been thrown at me (sometimes literally thrown) I made it out intact, not unscathed, but together nonetheless, and when im older ill look back on this blog again, and I will have changed even more. Achieved more. Made more friends. Become more confident. Thank you Emily, for knowing who you are.

Here's to the future eh?

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

<3

Appreciate everything

...and life becomes a lot more interesting...