I don't know what to call this.

Right now I'm angry and terrified.

I'm angry because of people. I'm terrified because I feel like im going to explode because im so angry. But here's the thing - I HATE confrontation....I think if I was ever in a fight i'd have a heart attack, my heart beats THAT fast. So instead I vent at the wall, and that makes my heart start racing fgs.

I have my first proper therapy session on tuesday and im nothing short of petrified. I want to forget about it but I can't. I can't skip it because my guilty conscience would make me feel sick to my stomach, but so does the thought of going in the first place.

Jesus this is a vicious cycle.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

wow

Resentment...

One of the worst emotions to feel towards another person, because most of the time they have no idea what effect they have on you.

I don't want to talk too much about it because i hope it's going to pass, instead of dwelling on it.

I hope you can find it in you not to resent anyone. It takes a certain strength to not hold grudges or any kind of bitterness for anyone.

But it's a lonely dark world if you do. I'm speaking from experience.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

It's not easy

How the hell is it october already?

Anyway, I got to thinking about this year and what its been like for me, and I did come to some conclusions and I will warn you - they're not happy. That seemed to be the theme this year unfortunately.

I've been very mournful. I lost a lot this year but as did the world. Terrorist attacks. Hate crimes...I wont continue that list, you get it.

But I've lost myself this year, along with my connections to people and it all hit me in a big wave recently, and it hit me hard.
I dont know if i've brought my grandad up on this blog before but he had a MASSIVE influence on my childhood, despite the short time together. A big part of me is my grandad and I lost him a good 6/7 years ago now but this year particularly after finishing my first year of uni, I wanted nothing more than for him to see me accomplish one of the biggest things in my life and I could almost picture the pride on his face when I would tell him.
I miss him.
I wish he was here.

Now I cant see the screen through tears so I should probably stop now.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

yes.

i've been thinking...a lot

Here's the weird thing about me: my head is always in one of two states.

• Aways in overdrive, thinking over everything four or five times - for that I blame the anxiety.
• Or thinking about absolutely nothing - numb to feeling anything or caring about the world.

Lately, it's been a good mix of both, but the weirdest part and most frustrating part about all of this is, I LOVE organisation so when my head is in a bit of a mess I get into my worst moods. I hate it because I can't explain it without sounding stupid or crazy. So I guess this is what i'm trying to do right now, find an outlet to organise my thoughts and feelings so that somehow I can feel sane and together and....normal - in the loosest sense of the word. Time to explore different methods I guess. Let's pull yourself together shall we?

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

hmm...

no regrets.

Friday 27th May 2016.
A day I shall now never forget.
The day I put my heart on the line.
The night he confirmed what I already knew. 
The night I realised I'd loved him all along. 
This is what love feels like. 
This is also what heartbreak feels like.
I'll get over him eventually.
One day I might feel again. 
I hope so.
But I also hope one day he feels the same...
I don't regret letting myself get hurt.
Not at all.
I know I'll never stop loving him.
So that's okay. 
He'll always be an important part of my life.
He won't disappear will he?
I hope not.
No regrets.
None at all.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

exactly.

 

those pesky feelings....again

all the things i want to say to you...

always has been.

definitely a little too much...

although i would prefer to be closer...

i mean youve looked after it for nearly 5 years now...

no matter how many times i see you, its always the same feeling

pretty much. damn you.

Bub-bye bloggers<3

Stress...a self-fulfilling prophecy

So, with my recently diagnosed anxiety, I've noticed a lot of viscious cycles that it causes. 

For example, a massive one right now, i think "i need to do some revision" then i scare myself silly about how much revision i have to do and think "i'm never going to finish this in time" this essentially is my panicked way of procrastination as i think "im going to fail if i don't get this done" but when i calm a little i'll go back to thinking "i need to do some revision"...and so on...

This isnt the first time this has happened to me. It happened during my GCSE's, AS-levels and A-levels so i wasnt very surprised when it creeped back. What i havent learned yet is what pulls me out of that cycle...

I think i need to remember WHY i am doing this...maybe that will help...oh i dont know.
Anyway, i'll stop rambling now.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

this is quite powerful...

Reasons to stay alive.

I'm reading this book. That's why the title of this book is called what it is. I've never been suicidal don't worry. I've wished I've never existed before but that's different to wishing to kill yourself.

I have Anxiety.

It's just as weird typing that out as it is saying it out loud. It's strange to think that I'd suspected it so long and it turned out to be true. I cried when she said it...but I still have a phone call to make - I'd rather gouge my eyeballs out with a blunt rusty spoon.

I know this is all over the place but that's just where my heads at right now...but this book is speaking to me. Not so much with the deep dark depression but 90% of it I have felt before. I've never been able to put it into words before, so it's been very overwhelming to read this...

Sorry for this mess of a post...I just felt compelled to write it for some reason.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

we could all learn from Mr Haig...

 

Stay strong.

Twice in one day? I hear you say...yes, but this is something I really needed to vent about and I don't know how this is going to conclude but I hope I make a bit more sense of my head by the end of this.

Stay strong... this is a phrase I've heard since Demi Lovato came out of rehab...it sounds silly but I obsessed over this phrase. It became part of me. It came to me during a time of struggle, what with puberty and everything. But instead of finding the strength within myself as the phrase implies, I took strength from the phrase itself and used it as a shield...an excuse not to feel what I was truly feeling. A mask. To this day, everytime I take a shower I still feel the need to trace to saying into the steam on the shower door, to serve as a reminder not to be weak.

But what's so wrong with that? What's so wrong about showing weakness? What's so wrong about showing that you are human? 

I realised this today, watching a youtube video in which she told me to "stay strong" and that's when it clicked in my head. Sometimes I don't have to be strong because I am not invincible. None of us are. But we like to think we are, but we're all living a delusion. Sure, if we gave up stength we would be wasting our lives wallowing in our own grief and troubles and that is no life to live. But that isnt what I'm saying. 

I'm saying we need to be human. Allow ourselves to be weak sometimes. Because sooner or later our minds crack. It's all part of mental illness. I just wished I had realised this sooner.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

Just some food for thought...

Up....down.....up......down.......

This week has been weird, but I can't tell if it was in a good or bad way. For example, yesterday I was in one of my weirder moods for the first half of the day at uni and I had a great day with everyone. Then I came back to my flat.
Now this is where it all went downhill, and I have no idea why. I know that one of my flatmates were doing my head in but I'm not sure why it got to me so much and I just generally felt both sad and angry. I hate it when that happens, because I can't explain why it happens. It just does. 

I had to take a time out. It got that bad but I did my cool-off and I was presentable again. Still not back to normal but okay. I really wish these wouldn't happen because it means that I snap at people for no reason and I get immediately on the defensive when I don't even need to be. It sucks. 
I guess that will be something else I need to talk about....

Ugh, I genuinely hate my head. 

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

True dat. (sorry for saying true dat...)

True motivation.

For the first time in a long time, I believe, I have been truly motivated to go for my goal whole-heartedly.
It seems like it has been a long time coming, but I've started having regular meetings at uni to figure out what has been going on in my head and my god is it working. These past 2 weeks I have been solidly motivated to start my revision for my exams after easter. It's never felt so good to do work. Sure, it's really hard too but for once I don't care. The only thing that matters to me now is that I pass these exams with flying colours and step closer to my dream.

There is that small problem of my anxiety still, though. I wish it wasn't there, but at the same time, its been so long that I feel without it I would be lost. I've never been carefree. I can't remember the last time I was carefree.
Was it college? Absolutely not.
Was it secondary school? Dream on.
Was it primary school? Still remains to be the worst time of my life.
Was it nursery? I cant remember a lot from that time...so maybe.
Wow...it should not be that long ago. I guess it doesn't really get better than this then.

I guess I just need to master the art of living with it rather than suffering through it...

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

You're welcome future me...

Anger.

I would lie and say 'I don't know why I'm so angry at everyone' but I do, and I cant be around anyone without snapping at them. In all honesty, it would be fine if I told them why I was snapping...it might actually help them gain a positive personality characteristic, but for some reason I highly doubt that would happen.

I'm at university. I count my lucky stars and make sure I remember how privileged and lucky I am to be here. To have the family I have. To have the friends from home - not losing contact with them because I found new people.

This past week or 2 one of my best friends, practically the big brother I never had, is suffering badly from depression. I'm scared he'll give up. I'm scared he'll do something stupid. I'm scared because I don't know what to do.

So that's why I'm upset. Justified right? I'm going through the day listening to them whine to me about their petty little problems to which I give a solution which is never good enough and all I can think of is 'how f***ing ungrateful'. They are so lucky that they have the life they have and yet they'll still whine about the most benign pathetic problems.

Grow up. That's what I want to say.

Of course I say none of this because, believe it or not, despite those thoughts of mine you've just read, I am a decent human being with morals. And of course, I'm not saying my opinion is golden and not at all wrong...I just wish they could see how lucky we all are...

I'm sorry for my angry rant...thank you for reading and understanding...if you did understand all that that is.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

I love finding the quotes that sum my feelings up perfectly.

I did it.

I told him.
What I was 'feeling'...maybe I should say what I was thinking instead.
Using that word doesn't require me to use quotation marks.

He made it worthwhile. He made it easy. He made it hurt less. Less. I still hurt. Almost entirely, but he stopped that.

I'm scared. Scared that I don't know what love is. I can listen to those love songs and read the love stories and watch the romance blossom on the big screen, I could tell you what love is meant to feel like, but I cant tell you that I've felt it myself. It makes me question whether its real, or whether its just a figment of our imaginations that helps us feel needed on this earth because someone, lets say, your 'soulmate' needs you to be happy, to feel whole, simply because without you the world doesn't rotate quite right. Summer isn't so bright. Winter is too cold without your warm embrace. You know. All that sappy rubbish.

Why cant I feel this? maybe i'm just being impatient...maybe I'm jaded...but for now all I know is that, right now? Its a much easier life without it.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

It speaks for itself really.

It's piling on again.

That feeling of the walls closing in on me...again.
I'm terrified.
Anxious.
Worried.
Sad.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to feel.
I don't know what is a normal response...appropriate.
Just tell me I'm being silly. That I shouldn't be feeling this way and maybe, oh maybe I might be able to get over it.

But until then...I'm lost. With no moral compass to lead the way.

I just don't know what to do.

Can you tell?

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

I want it to start back up again.