I'm awkward.

I've always wondered why I am so awkward and extremely uncomfortable around people...and I think I've figured out why.

I was thinking about my childhood...my time in primary school. Now I don't want this to sound like a sob story, so keep that in mind, because I'm over it and I see it as a positive thing now. I was bullied. Not in the extreme way that meant I was crying at home after school- no, that's what I read for, an escape. I was bullied in the way that just left me feeling confused and dejected. As you have probably guessed, I wasn't popular, no one really accepted me and I didn't know why. I was called names that didn't really get to me, I mean they didn't say anything that I hadn't already heard, and they were about as creative as a primary school student could be so it didn't hurt me. To this day I still don't know why.

Why didn't people like me? Why was I the subject of their jokes? What had I done to them? Sure these questions still haunt me and I will never know why those kids never accepted me, but at least I don't care as much now. Because, today, I realised that these questions that swim in the back of my mind, are the very reason why socialising scares me. Why the very concept of saying 'hello' and introducing myself is terrifying and makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

I plan to face that fear starting today. Now I know why, I can stop the pattern. This stupid fear of not being accepted is irrational- based on something that happened when I was only a kid. Sure it was cruel at times and definitely unfair, but I am happy with the person I am today. That's probably why I'm not a bitter, cold and bitchy teenager now. My past has definitely gotten in the way...but as I said, I intend to change that. I deserve that much.

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

Isn't this perfect?

To, my friends and family...x

Thank you for being so amazing to me.

Thank you for treating me well.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm important to you.

Thank you for making me smile.

Thank you for making me laugh.

Thank you for being so phenomenally kind that I feel too lucky to have you.

Thank you for being my friend.

There are no words to express my gratitude for your existence in my life.

I love you.

Thank you, x

Bub-bye for now bloggers- and merry Christmas and a happy new year :)

I love you guys....x

The Internet.

So yesterday I started reading Girl Online by Zoe Sugg, i.e Zoella. I also read her blog post on why she stopped daily vlogging for December's vlogmas (i'm loving her book by the way, I recommend young teens to read it as it portrays many issues that teens encounter, but aren't necessarily addressed in day to day life and i believe a lot of young teens can relate to it).

It made me realise that I am lucky that i grew up with a tech-savvy father. I see children these days, usually my 11 year old sisters friends, walking around with iPhones and posting selfies and videos to facebook and instagram and all that fun social media...and it makes me sad because I know that these 10/11 year olds probably don't know that they are putting themselves at risk when they carelessly update another whiny facebook status about someone they don't like, or accepting friend requests from people they don't know. 

When i was 14 or 15 when i got my facebook profile, my parents sat me down and told me how to stay safe on the internet and not to add anyone i didn't know, so i did as they told me. There was one day that i changed my profile picture to one of my wearing a black vest top, no make-up (as per usual), glasses on, hair down...perfectly innocent. But what i fail to mention is that my hair dark brown and very long and this was a black and white picture of my head and shoulders. So it almost seemed as if i was topless (which i most certainly was not, as that is careless beyond belief and i am way to insecure to pull off a stunt like that), but at that point i hadn't realised so when my parents asked me to change my profile picture, i was confused but now i understand. 

This is what parents should be like with their children. Not enough parents or carers monitor their child's activities on social media and in my opinion this is part of the cause to cyberbullying. The internet can be a dark, scary place if you are unfamiliar to its communities. Cases like Amanda Todd's is perfect to demonstrate this, and just referencing her name brings me sadness...

Being internet smart and educated, i believe, is very important in today's society. This is why Zoe Sugg is and idol to me on the internet. She tells us in her blog post that she has been bombarded with hate, as well as people who she cares dearly about. This makes me sad, angry, frustrated and all round tired of people who can't just keep their negative thoughts and opinions to themselves. 

In my recent teenage years, i've been faced with A-levels and making massive decisions about my future and with this stress and huge work-load, comes anxiety. And panic attacks. And emotional fluctuation. And even more stress. And tiredness. And sadness...the list goes on. But when i started watching Zoe's videos, i came across her anxiety videos, and i have been obsessed with her ever since. Words cannot describe how appreciative and the amount of admiration i have for this girl. Her strength and confidence inspires me every day. Just typing this has brought tears to my eyes, because i know that she probably doesn't feel like she's an inspiration making videos and posting blog entries, while writing books and designing product lines. But she has helped me be a more positive and thoughtful person. 

Because of her sharing her life, with her 6 million subscribers, i have learned to surround myself with people who make you feel good about herself, to think positively even when you are having panic attacks and most importantly for me, how to live with anxiety.

Before watching her videos and reading her blogs, i knew of anxiety. I knew people who had anxiety, that kind of overshadowed my realisation...but her words made me stop doubting myself...which i tend to do a lot. She helped me cope.

I can never thank her enough. 

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Still not enough....

I hope one day i can meet her face to face and tell her how much i appreciate her and how much i love her. But for now, all i can hope is that by some miracle, she's sees this blog post. 

Love you Zoe<3

Bub bye for now bloggers :)

Here's an alternative...

Ok, so if you don't know by now or are new here, i am not gifted with the ability to write clearly or really get my point across in words at all...or well at least thats what i think...? So as an alternative, i have decided to choose a picture with a quote that may give you and insight as to what im feeling. I know ive done this a lot before but its always after a long unnecessary paragraph so here you go. An alternative pathway into my mind. Plus, i do love searching for quotes :D

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

I feel like after my results, this is the kind of mindset that i need in order to make my dream come true...x

Anxiety of the social variety...

maybe you understand?

more thoughts...

 

blogere ergo sum.

900 pageviews?!!!
Ok so i'm 2 pageviews off of 900 but that's still freakin' amazing!
How did this happen?
When did this happen?
There are no words...


Well there are words of course i'm just being silly-you know what? I'll stop rambling now and get serious.
I think we've established that i am terrible at blogging and i never post regularly really or with any kind of schedule, i just do it when the time feels right and to be completely honest, i'm terrible at writing. Anyone with eyes and intelligence can see that. But when i started this i didn't think anyone would read it. This was a pastime of mine that allowed me to vent when i needed it, or to stash little memories that i could reflect back on and of course my favourite quote pictures :P
But the fact that i'm now approaching the 1000 marker is scary. I'm asking myself now;
Are people expecting more from me?
Are people actually reading this and caring?
Are they just clicking on my blog by accident?
Should i blog more?
I dont know the answers to these questions and i dont get any comments on my posts either (which i dont know if its a good or bad thing?) that could help justify me thinking these things...but for now this will remain a hobby and who knows? Maybe one day i'll actually have some kind of pattern or an established schedule to this blog?

Remember you can comment if you want, that is if there is actually anyone reading this...haha thats quite a scary thought actually xD



Anyways, bub-bye for bloggers :)

blogere ergo sum (DISCLAIMER: this latin is most likely to be extremely wrong but hey im living life on the edge! HA.)

View counts,

Every time i post something on here i check to see how many views it has. 

I dont know why. I dont know what benefit it will bring me by checking. I dont know if people are actually even reading my posts or whether they just click my blog accidentally.

But the whole concept of people actually reading what i write is soo surreal to me. I know im not the most eloquent writer and i suck at English but i appreciate that people, that i cant see or know, take the time to read  my non-interesting pointless thoughts.

But if i am to achieve anything through this blog, it will be that hopefully one of these posts can relate to you and make you feel not so alone, because i know i do sometimes :)

But for now, bub-bye for now bloggers ;)

yeap, pretty much...from the blogs ive seen anyway xD

New beginnings.

Since I started college, ive had my ups and downs and everything inbetween, but i can safely say that this has been the best big step in my life so far. 

I have made new, amazing friends who seem to actually enjoy my company, learned how to deal with anxiety and stress, and built a new wall of confidence i didnt know i could have.

Sure it feels like im redoing my GCSE's but this time round is sooo much better. I feel like i know myself a lot better now...mostly anyway. 

I have feelings still that i dont know how to deal with, there are people in my life that im confused about but what seemed to take up my thinking time has phased into a low hum in the back of my mind which only rears its ugly head when i have nothing better to do...so overall im ok.

Im doing fine. 

Im becoming a responsible young adult....wow, now that snuck up on us pretty quickly didnt it? ;)

Although for now i shall leave to do some much needed revision for my upcoming exams...i have a feeling that my desk will become my natural habitat for the next few weeks xD

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

Ha, love this. Although if only they knew.... ;)

HIIIIII!!!!!...............BYEEEE!!!!!!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S is the best!!!

Passion.

I've found that i don't have many hobbies like my friends do. It always made me kind of sad that i was never the kind of child who wanted to go to guides or dance or gymnastics or even a musical instrument. But the further i get through life, the more i realise that these can be more of a burden at times rather than a past time. So recently i've found that despite the fact that i dont belong to clubs, i am passionate about some things.

1.  Reading- Since i learned to read at a young age, i've done (some would say) way too much of it. I know this can come across as being nerdy or geeky (of which i am, but thats not the point...) but i will point out that this is all fiction reading, not newspapers or other non-fiction that will expand my knowledge of the world and its contents, but nevertheless, it's what i enjoy and it makes me happy. It gives me an escape when i need it most. Thats all that matters to me. 
2. Music/singing- Yet another thing that allows me to escape and also to explain the feelings that i can't express in my own words. Also, i would never claim to be a good singer and i dont aspire to be one in the future, i just do it mainly for a challenge every now and then and again just for enjoyment and relaxation. However, i do personally think i sound AMAZING in the shower ;) (just kidding).
3. T.V shows- ALL THE TV SHOWS!!! I watch so many tv shows with my dad, that i couldn't possibly try to name them all xD I share this passion with some of my friends too, for example, with my guy friends we fan-boy/girl over a show called Arrow, (which i suggest everyone watches, because Stephen Amell not only is he gorgeous- as i'll prove later- but is such a down to earth, lovely and amazing guy) and all its badass-ness ;)

I know this doesn't seem like a lot (and there are more things to add to the list, which i may do in the future) but for now this is what im passionate about currently. SO, i shall now leave you with some B-E-A-UTIFUL pictures of Stephen Amell's abs....*cough*...i mean pictures of the badass-ness that is Arrow ;) 

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

One of my all time favourite quotes <3

Everyone loves felicity...and Amell of course...GO OLICITY!

SEE!!! <3 BE MINE STEPHEN!

Umm YES, with me ;)

“You will always be my girl”

—	Oliver Queen, Arrow

— 

Oliver Queen, Arrow

 Keep Calm and Ship Olicity!!!!

 ;)

 

Contentment.

This is what i'm feeling like today. Content. So i thought i'd do a picture post as i do enjoy these. I discover some lovely quotes and images when i do. So here we go :)

I just like the irony of this quote xD

This is just me in a phrase :D

Come on people! I'm pointing out the obvious ;)

Exactly!

Absolutely love this. I hope im not the only one with an inner voice ;)

So i know there isnt a lot but its enough for now, so...bub bye for now bloggers :)



 

New start.

Ok, so the last time i blogged was November...last year. Oops.

Soo, ummm, not a lot has changed. The only difference now is my thoughts and feelings of my 'friendship' group. 

I cant begin to express how thankful i am that they took me in when i needed them the most and i wouldnt be the way i am now without them...but im beginning to doubt whether thats a good thing. Is accepting the fact that you know youre going to be ignored if you contribute something to a conversation healthy? 

Nope. Didnt think so. 

So time to start fresh. But this time on my own. Im not going to stop talking to everyone, thats just petty, no i am going to be independent. Get things done. Be happy. Live healthier. 

Maybe now i can feel accepted in some way. Have the freedom to find who i actually am. I dont want to feel restricted by the influence that the people around me have. 

I guess thats my belated new years resolution :)

Also, side note: Valentines day for me this year (like every other year for me) was painstakingly empty again. Im genuinely thinking about whether i have some kind of involuntary repulsion power o.O

I really want to start blogging more often but im not going to make any promises because i know i wont be able to stick to it. So i guess ill be back whenever the feeling comes to me ;) 

Bub-bye for now bloggers :)

This is soo apt for a bookworm like me <3