Soo many feels...

While i enjoy procrastinating by watching Dan is not on fire, Amazing Phil, Jenna Marbles, and numerous other youtubers, theres a time where i need to snap back to real life and remember that i have exams. one of which is tomorrow. Fun times. I have so many different revision techniques it is unbelievable and its hard to keep track of which one works for which lessons.
For example i have a geography tutor because i dont really know how to revise for geography, but with my tutors help it can sink in.
But with things like science that i have this week, i have to rely upon reading my revision guides over and over again, which consequently requires a lot of my time which means i have less time for everything else, meaning i fall behind in everything. 
Again, fun times.

Oh well, lets hope i've revised everything thoroughly. Biology, here i come. 

Wish me luck.

I could say this to soo many people these days...

Madness in a bottle...

Heres the thing about me. Im not good with emotions. I dont know how to figure them out. What emotions im feeling. How to communnicate those to others. But every now and then i will knnow when im sad and i tend to bottle these feelings up because i know when i feel sad due to stress, its the one emotion that i obviously show.
So after weeks and weeks of stress and sadness building up either from school or hom, mentally i burst at the seams and i usually go seeking my dogs warmth and unconditional love. Although my mum is getting better at spotting these times when im just about to fall into the deep whole that i try to cover up, i dont know if its because its only recently that ive gone to her with my problems at school or if its because she knows im starting my GCSE exams so she knows how easily stressed i get. But all i know is that i appreciate the hugs she gives me when no one else in my family does. But yet again ive started the proccess of covering them up, putting them in a hole and waiting for the next breakdown.
You would have thought i'd have learnt wouldnt you? But no. Because i dont know how to communicate my feelings or what these feelings root from, this proccess is just going to end up repeating itself over and over again. 

But on a more positive note, i found out that i got an A in my business assessment...2 off an A* -_- but hey im not complaining. Im also reading a different book to what i would usually read and its a nice change i guess. 
Anyway i really need to relax now or try and figure out what these emotions are and why they are there, but for now i will leave you with this quote...thankyou for letting me get that off my chest :)

this is oh soo true...

 

Revelations.

So from the title you can probably tell that ive been starting to realise a lot of things.
First of all is that i feel like i only have 1 true friend. She is the only person i tell everything and anything to because we are alike in some ways and shes the most down to earth person i know, someone who doesnt put on a show to impress others. Even though i have a large group of friends full of great people, i dont feel like i can tell them half of the things that run through my mind. A couple of years ago i would feel lonely having only 1 true friend, but now ive realised that im the lucky one. My dad always said to me that sometime earlier on in my life i would find my lifelong friend that i would know for the rest of my life and i think i have found that one friend and i have told her this.
Second of all is that i can achieve things if i try. Today in biology i managed to zone out and do LOADS of revision in one hour (more than i would have done in one day at home). This made me realise that if i could just find that state of mind whenever i needed it then i could complete anything and that gave me hope for my future education.
Thirdly, i dont know what im feeling EVER. Earlier today, i heard someone talk about a person i knew and i THINK something like jealousy spiked within me, but i cant be sure and i wont get into that right now...maybe in another post. But even when i see my friends i dont know if im happy, left-out, upset- i just dont know anymore because of eveything going round in my head all the time.
Lastly, i try to hard and always doubt myself. Whenever i do anything i doubt myself because i think im wrong but i go with it anyway and then i always regret it. Yet whenever im right, i doubt myself but never ignore that doubt and change my mind so i end up being wrong even though i was right the first time. I have no confidence in myself whatsoever.
So i will leave you with these song lyrics that i feel are soo true to me, but completely random and unrelated to this post...

"Putting my defenses up,
'Cause i dont want to fall in love
If i ever did that,
I think i'd have a heart attack"

-Demi Lovato, "Heart Attack"  

I'm confused...

Ok im not completely sure of the topic of today's blog but i do know that im extremely confused about feelings and stuffs....not romantic ones or anything like that just general feelings of happiness/lonliness. 
I think ive mentioned before that sometimes i will feel left out of my group as i dont feel like i fit into any type of conversation they have and when i do try i have to kind of shout so it makes me look as if im trying too hard, but apart from that i love the group im in. Were all misfits that just managed to jell as a group and i love it because we all know what it feels like to feel like an outsider.
Anyway im trying to change this by telling people about my worries within the group and it seems to be working, but unlike some of the members of our group, now that im finally being noticed, i can see others that are being ignored and as the good person i try to be i try to involve them in conversations and make them happier. But i cant help but feel jealous. No one noticed me when i was upset because i was left out, why should i help them if they never helped me? That's what the, for lack of a better phrase, 'evil' voice inside of my head says. Of course i try to ignore it and help them anyway because i know how that feels and no one should ever have to go through that.
But now i feel like im sitting on the fence, between both zones: Lonliness and involvement. Not because of the people im helping, but because part of me misses the lonliness. I know that sounds silly but i do enjoy having some alone time to just take a breather from all the drama and issues within the group.
Maybe i should be more independant than i am right now? 

This quote reminds me of my friends...or should i say song lyrics ;)