I'm depressed. I'm anxious. Sure, there are multiple psychologically scarring causes that I know of but still, no matter what, in the moment I always find myself asking why? As if I need to justify what I'm feeling in that moment. When in reality, I just need to feel those feelings.
Right now it's 12.41am and I'm sad. So incredibly sad. Lonely. Helpless. Useless. Hoping that writing this out into the dark void that is the internet, where it will undoubtably be forgotten forever never to be read by anyone but me in the future, will somehow ease the ache in my chest. No one in my life knows I suffer like this. Mainly because I don't think I'm allowed to suffer like this in front of them.
I'm too scared to be vulnerable and they will never see that side.
Yet I am angry. So unbelievably angry. Why? Because I live with one of the most selfish socially-inept people I have met that makes a mockery out of people who actually deal with serious mental illness. I'm not referring to me as suffering with mental illness...even though I do, I know it could be much worse. No. She is attention seeking and I know it. It disgusts me. I actually feel physically sick watching her do this.
And now it's 12.48am and I now hate myself again. Why am I like this? Why do I always turn my anger on other people? I've always wanted to stop the cycle of bullying. I'm not bullying, don't get me wrong. I just believe that I'm being as bad as the bully when I hate someone. Even if I never tell them I feel like I'm as bad as them.
But now I realise I'm being a hypocrite. Why did I start this post with saying I just need to feel my feelings then stop myself from feeling angry?!
And now it's 12.52am and I'm back at hating myself.
Will I ever tell anyone about this blog?
It's the only secret I've kept completely to myself.
I never wanna tell anyone.
It's nice to scream into the void where I know no one will respond or judge.
