Insecurities.

We all have them. Whether it's physical or internal within our minds, even the cockiest person has an insecurity. How do we deal with this? We mask them, we put ourselves down by torturing ourselves like its wrong to look like the way we were born, or disgustingly we project our insecurities at other people and take others down to our own level in some feeble attempt at making ourselves feel better. The latter are what call bullies, but I wont go into that rant.
The point of this post is that, I want to learn to love myself and be more confident and comfortable in my own skin but its hard in a internet hard-wired society that brainwashes us with images of fake perfection that is flawless contour and highlight, eyebrows that are on fleek and a figure that runway models would be jealous of. Considering the generation I grew up in, i've done quite well to have a reasonable amount of confidence - well enough to get me through the day without requiring the online validation of meaningless figures to my follower count or the likes on my pictures. Everything I do online as well as in my offline life I do for me. To make me happy. Not others. I dont need their validation. At one point I thought I did, but that quickly dissipated when I realised that was a hopeless effort as my posts got lost in the sea of what I percieved to be "perfection" when in reality most of it is fake.
So yes, I do have insecurities - imperfections i'd want to correct but never would because they are what make me, me. I have ears that stick out a little more than most but I accept that they can actually be cute at some angles. I have pale, sparse eyebrows which I do fill in but only because it makes me feel confident and happy not because I want to impress the insta stars or the beauty gurus with how symmetrical I can make them. Nearly 99% of the time I have hair that looks like a birds nest if not straightened or tamed in some way shape or form, but I appreciate the malleability of it. I'm like half an inch off six foot and for a girl thats ridiculous if I want to wear heels on a night out AND have nice pictures taken with my friends where I dont look like a hunchback as I try to fit into the frame, but I appreciate the fact I can reach to the back of the tallest shelves when I need something for myself or others.
No matter what your insecurity, you should realise that even though you may not like it you are allowed to change it but maybe try looking for the positive in what you see in the mirror before you lose all hope, because god knows i've been there and I know how miserable it is. However, in looking for the positives, you are making this world a darn sight more prettier in its views than the one we currently live in that I can only wish and hope gets better for at least my future kids if I have any.

Anyway bub-bye for now bloggers<3

top - makeup half . middle - no makeup half . bottom - no makeup and glasses (all pictures are me, sorry for the crap webcam quality) .  We just need to learn to love ourselves, or at the very least just be kinder to ourselves and others around us. Maybe we wouldnt all be so miserable all the time, if we did that.

Control.

I struggle with this concept we call control.
I hate to not be in control.
But with important decisions I need someone else to take control. I'm a coward like that.Controlling things until i'm too scared to.

But that's my deep rooted issue. Fear.

Fear that everyone is out to bring me down.
Fear that people dont like me.
Fear that people might envy and therefore hate me.
Fear of attention.
Fear of confrontation.
Fear of being in big crowds.
Fear of being alone.

I'm a tall, lanky, anxious ball of fear. And I dont know how to harness and control it.

I'll leave it at that for today.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

Am I here?

So my anxiety levels have been increased for obvious reasons - it being exam season and all...

This time however, it has brought on a new kind of wave of emotion or lack of in this case. I have my usual bad anxious habits like biting my lips and tongue and procrastination, but this year I have put a whole new level of pressure on myself to get a 2:1 and as much as I know im capable of getting it, my mind is being a bitch about it and seems to have other plans.

What im trying to get to is that, my obsessive picking has gotten worse and ive never felt so uncomfortable in my skin like this and every now and then - usually when im left to my thoughts - I have an almost out of body experience. Like im not really present. Like I clocked out mentally. I hate it because i'll be walking down the street and this will happen but i'll keep on walking and somehow I clock back in and i've forgotten the last 5 minutes. I feel like i'm actually losing my mind.

I know this will probably pass after my exams but what about the next period of stress in my life. How do I get this under control? What is even happening to me when I clock out?

Not going to lie, it does scare me.

Bub-bye for now bloggers<3

this song lyric has always hit me hard...

Young and "in love"...

So by the title, you can probably assume this is going to be a bitter post or that somehow miraculously I learned to let someone in.

No.

I got thinking about young people and love and don't get me wrong, I strongly believe you can find love young. I, myself, am a product of very young love and i've watched it succeed and stand the test of time, so yes I believe it can work.

In today's generation however, it seems to becoming increasingly prevalent to find the "partner of your dreams" before you even begin actually living. To some extent, I can understand why having your heart broken or complete at a young age is appealing and it all contributes to your words of wisdom in later life because in a way, you started experiencing more at younger age. Having said that, I believe thats the major flaw in young love. You may look back at those times with a fresh perspective as an adult and learn from those experience and carry them forward in life, but I feel like this aspect of our young lives are way too concentrated on that aspect of life experience and as a consequence we waste our years of youth on people that are also trying to figure themselves out.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that we need to focus more on ourselves and how we feel about ourselves rather than on what others are feeling for you or about you. I'm a strong believer that time tests friendships and relationships and the people that are just passing through are just that. It's the people that stick around you need to focus on. The ones that want to keep you around. The ones you want to keep around. Those are the people you grow to love.

I guess this probably sounded bitter and I guess this did come from a bitter place, but i'm content in the fact that I didn't "miss out" on valuable life experiences because I had my fair share - just maybe not in that particular aspect of life experience.

I'm still growing as a person. We all are. I don't want to rush love, because I know that it will soo be worth the wait when it finally arrives.

For now, i'm going to be selfish and focus on myself.

Bub-bye for now bloggers <3

I guess we'll never stop being told that patience is a virtue...

Why do we always ask why?

I'm depressed. I'm anxious. Sure, there are multiple psychologically scarring causes that I know of but still, no matter what, in the moment I always find myself asking why? As if I need to justify what I'm feeling in that moment. When in reality, I just need to feel those feelings.

Right now it's 12.41am and I'm sad. So incredibly sad. Lonely. Helpless. Useless. Hoping that writing this out into the dark void that is the internet, where it will undoubtably be forgotten forever never to be read by anyone but me in the future, will somehow ease the ache in my chest. No one in my life knows I suffer like this. Mainly because I don't think I'm allowed to suffer like this in front of them.

I'm too scared to be vulnerable and they will never see that side.

Yet I am angry. So unbelievably angry. Why? Because I live with one of the most selfish socially-inept people I have met that makes a mockery out of people who actually deal with serious mental illness. I'm not referring to me as suffering with mental illness...even though I do, I know it could be much worse. No. She is attention seeking and I know it. It disgusts me. I actually feel physically sick watching her do this.

And now it's 12.48am and I now hate myself again. Why am I like this? Why do I always turn my anger on other people? I've always wanted to stop the cycle of bullying. I'm not bullying, don't get me wrong. I just believe that I'm being as bad as the bully when I hate someone. Even if I never tell them I feel like I'm as bad as them.

But now I realise I'm being a hypocrite. Why did I start this post with saying I just need to feel my feelings then stop myself from feeling angry?!

And now it's 12.52am and I'm back at hating myself.

Will I ever tell anyone about this blog?

It's the only secret I've kept completely to myself.

I never wanna tell anyone.

It's nice to scream into the void where I know no one will respond or judge.